I have to say this here. I don't feel the need to overeat as much as when I'm in OA meetings. Isn't that weird? I hear other people relapsing and I see them in meeting and then I think "Shit, I can eat sugar too then!" It's weird.
I'm also curious if it's just white sugar and chocolate with refined sugar that I shouldn't have. Will evap. cane juice be okay? Honey? Agave? Cocoa? I spose I need to dowse when I get home so that once I am done with detoxing, I will know what can be in my plan. And white sugar would be nice to be out of my body anyway...that way I can prepare my own desserts. We'll see.
I'm also wondering how much food is enough for me...I spose I need guidance on this part. I have to access that part of my HP that can help ignite the *enough* light when I am serving myself some food. Sometimes I feel like I am eating too little and then of course I want to eat a ton later.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Monday, February 5, 2007
3rd Step Prayer (edited)
God, I offer myself to You--to build with me and to do with me as You will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of Life. May I do Your will always!
Friday, February 2, 2007
The Solution
I'm beginning to understand what it is about meetings I DON'T like. The sharing of despair, grief, and sadness. In listening to the AA podcasts (really interesting!) I am learning that the X-Anonymous (fill in your fav. addiction) program is a program of RECOVERY. More important than sharing your daily woes, is sharing your daily solutions for how you're not indulging in your addictive behavior. That is why I want to go to meetings. I want to hear what's fucking WORKING for people.
At this point, I am beginning the more intense detox (!) and I'll stay on that for at least two weeks. I know that I need some changes in my bio-chemistry, that things in my body are not running at an optimum rate, and I need to care for my insides. It's great that I am abstaining from sugar and chocolate, and that is not my problem. I want to feel good and in that feeling good (or while I am getting close to feeling good) I want a spiritual experience.
The detox is sort of a food plan in that I have designated things I must do or eat at specific times. I like the structure. Arising, Breakfast, Mid-morning Snack, Lunch, Mid-Afternoon Snack, Dinner, Going to Bed. This keeps things simple for me. Granted, there are many steps which may get complicated, but at first, it'll be good just to have the physical clarity.
It may also involve eating more chicken than I had planned to. 8 oz. a day is a LOT of meat. Perhaps I can do the flax thing or something. But as long as I know that it's helping my liver, I'm all for it. I know that I haven't been the most attentive to my body. I'll pay attention to what I want to pay attention to (usually, it's negative) and then of course I won't feel that much better. But Detoxing is important to me. The Fat Flush Plan seems to be sound. I bought the book and several items that we didn't already have in our diet/house. Cranberry juice (the no-sugar kind) for reducing water retention, lemon juice, flaxseed oil, flaxseeds, Omega-3 eggs, etc. I read in the book about how tissue can be water-logged, and that's exactly how I feel. My skin can be a bit too sensitive and I'm eager to see if detoxing my liver can change things. I'm not interested in weighing myself, because the weight hasn't been as important as the bloated, heavy feeling. That seems to be starting to change as I drink a LOT more water. I pee a lot, which I hate, but I hate even more being dehydrated!
I know I am on the dangerous edge of another "diet." I'm fully clear that while I decide what a good plan is for me, I still need to keep in contact with my Higher Power. I also look forward to working the twelve steps. I've wanted to do something like that for many years, but now I feel I can do it better with some support.
At this point, I am beginning the more intense detox (!) and I'll stay on that for at least two weeks. I know that I need some changes in my bio-chemistry, that things in my body are not running at an optimum rate, and I need to care for my insides. It's great that I am abstaining from sugar and chocolate, and that is not my problem. I want to feel good and in that feeling good (or while I am getting close to feeling good) I want a spiritual experience.
The detox is sort of a food plan in that I have designated things I must do or eat at specific times. I like the structure. Arising, Breakfast, Mid-morning Snack, Lunch, Mid-Afternoon Snack, Dinner, Going to Bed. This keeps things simple for me. Granted, there are many steps which may get complicated, but at first, it'll be good just to have the physical clarity.
It may also involve eating more chicken than I had planned to. 8 oz. a day is a LOT of meat. Perhaps I can do the flax thing or something. But as long as I know that it's helping my liver, I'm all for it. I know that I haven't been the most attentive to my body. I'll pay attention to what I want to pay attention to (usually, it's negative) and then of course I won't feel that much better. But Detoxing is important to me. The Fat Flush Plan seems to be sound. I bought the book and several items that we didn't already have in our diet/house. Cranberry juice (the no-sugar kind) for reducing water retention, lemon juice, flaxseed oil, flaxseeds, Omega-3 eggs, etc. I read in the book about how tissue can be water-logged, and that's exactly how I feel. My skin can be a bit too sensitive and I'm eager to see if detoxing my liver can change things. I'm not interested in weighing myself, because the weight hasn't been as important as the bloated, heavy feeling. That seems to be starting to change as I drink a LOT more water. I pee a lot, which I hate, but I hate even more being dehydrated!
I know I am on the dangerous edge of another "diet." I'm fully clear that while I decide what a good plan is for me, I still need to keep in contact with my Higher Power. I also look forward to working the twelve steps. I've wanted to do something like that for many years, but now I feel I can do it better with some support.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Another meeting
I went to another meeting yesterday. It's so strange how different the meetings are! This one was another small one...I like the smaller ones because I have time to talk, but also, they seem to be less organized or less able to deal with newcomers.
Last night I shared twice (!) which was nice, actually. The second time I shared I started to feel more grounded, versus reveling in the newcomer status...I've been listening to 12 step podcasts, which are really cool...they are mostly AA workshop/conference, but for the most part, I can hear things that are good for me and OA as well. A few guys, who sounded like 'salty dogs,' were weeping, talking about meditation and God, and simply telling it like it is. Refreshing.
So I shared about what's happening to me in this program, how everyone throw the term HP around like it's no big deal. It IS a BIG DEAL. We're talking about GOD! I went on to say that it's important for me to connect to God as I understand God. I don't have to use cute nicknames, or pretend to talk to God, when I'm just exercising my will. I have to find out, through this program or anything else, how I can connect to the awesome power that I don't understand, can't see, but definitely feel.
I know I overeat because I am missing something in my life. That "thing" is connection to Spirit. Sometimes I feel connected to Spirit when I see kids. I know that having kids is a good way to connect. But I don't want to have kids JUST to connect to God...because they will grow up and become their own persons and then I will still not connect to God regularly. So before that happens and I use my kids for a God cord, I need to find ways to connect to God just for me. I don't really do it at synagogue, or in meeting. The work I do with God is just for me, inside me, around me. Reiki is a good way. Sitting in silence with candles in the morning is a good way. Writing is a great way for me to connect. I do need a routine.
OA provides a structure, which I like and need, honestly. When I don't do OA stuff, I will have to fall back on my own structure. Connecting with Spirit is hard. It's something that lots of people don't broadcast to everyone. I need to protect myself when I start to go along with everyone else and forget my connection to God. It's not about how spiritual I am or how much better I am because of the connection. Hell, I'm not better and everyone can be spiritual. I'm not special by myself. Everyone is special. But I need to honor the longing I feel for the Spirit in my life. Josh and I do an okay job, but we could do better. I need a power greater than myself just so I don't think I am. I don't need to know it all right now (or ever!) and I don't need to be factually convinced of there being a God. God doesn't have to be associated with my religion or *feel* like God for everyone else. Just me. I don't even have to use the name God. Spirit, Highest Energy, whatever!
I just want to plug into that energy more. I need to, to feel solid in my life. Sure, I can get by with no connection, but I swear that's when I become controlling, afraid, inclined to eat, sleep, spend, hide, judge, talk, travel, etc. So why not slow down, take a few deep breaths, and connect?
It makes me feel better. I was close to trying to fit into OA so that I feel like I belong, when the whole purpose is not to fit into another place, or use outside stuff to fill my emptiness. The purpose is to bring us back to the connection to a higher power in our lives. A power that doesn't abandon us, a power that holds us when we are struggling and guides us when we are lost. No big deal. :)
Last night I shared twice (!) which was nice, actually. The second time I shared I started to feel more grounded, versus reveling in the newcomer status...I've been listening to 12 step podcasts, which are really cool...they are mostly AA workshop/conference, but for the most part, I can hear things that are good for me and OA as well. A few guys, who sounded like 'salty dogs,' were weeping, talking about meditation and God, and simply telling it like it is. Refreshing.
So I shared about what's happening to me in this program, how everyone throw the term HP around like it's no big deal. It IS a BIG DEAL. We're talking about GOD! I went on to say that it's important for me to connect to God as I understand God. I don't have to use cute nicknames, or pretend to talk to God, when I'm just exercising my will. I have to find out, through this program or anything else, how I can connect to the awesome power that I don't understand, can't see, but definitely feel.
I know I overeat because I am missing something in my life. That "thing" is connection to Spirit. Sometimes I feel connected to Spirit when I see kids. I know that having kids is a good way to connect. But I don't want to have kids JUST to connect to God...because they will grow up and become their own persons and then I will still not connect to God regularly. So before that happens and I use my kids for a God cord, I need to find ways to connect to God just for me. I don't really do it at synagogue, or in meeting. The work I do with God is just for me, inside me, around me. Reiki is a good way. Sitting in silence with candles in the morning is a good way. Writing is a great way for me to connect. I do need a routine.
OA provides a structure, which I like and need, honestly. When I don't do OA stuff, I will have to fall back on my own structure. Connecting with Spirit is hard. It's something that lots of people don't broadcast to everyone. I need to protect myself when I start to go along with everyone else and forget my connection to God. It's not about how spiritual I am or how much better I am because of the connection. Hell, I'm not better and everyone can be spiritual. I'm not special by myself. Everyone is special. But I need to honor the longing I feel for the Spirit in my life. Josh and I do an okay job, but we could do better. I need a power greater than myself just so I don't think I am. I don't need to know it all right now (or ever!) and I don't need to be factually convinced of there being a God. God doesn't have to be associated with my religion or *feel* like God for everyone else. Just me. I don't even have to use the name God. Spirit, Highest Energy, whatever!
I just want to plug into that energy more. I need to, to feel solid in my life. Sure, I can get by with no connection, but I swear that's when I become controlling, afraid, inclined to eat, sleep, spend, hide, judge, talk, travel, etc. So why not slow down, take a few deep breaths, and connect?
It makes me feel better. I was close to trying to fit into OA so that I feel like I belong, when the whole purpose is not to fit into another place, or use outside stuff to fill my emptiness. The purpose is to bring us back to the connection to a higher power in our lives. A power that doesn't abandon us, a power that holds us when we are struggling and guides us when we are lost. No big deal. :)
Serenity Now!
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
