Another meeting

I went to another meeting yesterday. It's so strange how different the meetings are! This one was another small one...I like the smaller ones because I have time to talk, but also, they seem to be less organized or less able to deal with newcomers.

Last night I shared twice (!) which was nice, actually. The second time I shared I started to feel more grounded, versus reveling in the newcomer status...I've been listening to 12 step podcasts, which are really cool...they are mostly AA workshop/conference, but for the most part, I can hear things that are good for me and OA as well. A few guys, who sounded like 'salty dogs,' were weeping, talking about meditation and God, and simply telling it like it is. Refreshing.
So I shared about what's happening to me in this program, how everyone throw the term HP around like it's no big deal. It IS a BIG DEAL. We're talking about GOD! I went on to say that it's important for me to connect to God as I understand God. I don't have to use cute nicknames, or pretend to talk to God, when I'm just exercising my will. I have to find out, through this program or anything else, how I can connect to the awesome power that I don't understand, can't see, but definitely feel.

I know I overeat because I am missing something in my life. That "thing" is connection to Spirit. Sometimes I feel connected to Spirit when I see kids. I know that having kids is a good way to connect. But I don't want to have kids JUST to connect to God...because they will grow up and become their own persons and then I will still not connect to God regularly. So before that happens and I use my kids for a God cord, I need to find ways to connect to God just for me. I don't really do it at synagogue, or in meeting. The work I do with God is just for me, inside me, around me. Reiki is a good way. Sitting in silence with candles in the morning is a good way. Writing is a great way for me to connect. I do need a routine.

OA provides a structure, which I like and need, honestly. When I don't do OA stuff, I will have to fall back on my own structure. Connecting with Spirit is hard. It's something that lots of people don't broadcast to everyone. I need to protect myself when I start to go along with everyone else and forget my connection to God. It's not about how spiritual I am or how much better I am because of the connection. Hell, I'm not better and everyone can be spiritual. I'm not special by myself. Everyone is special. But I need to honor the longing I feel for the Spirit in my life. Josh and I do an okay job, but we could do better. I need a power greater than myself just so I don't think I am. I don't need to know it all right now (or ever!) and I don't need to be factually convinced of there being a God. God doesn't have to be associated with my religion or *feel* like God for everyone else. Just me. I don't even have to use the name God. Spirit, Highest Energy, whatever!
I just want to plug into that energy more. I need to, to feel solid in my life. Sure, I can get by with no connection, but I swear that's when I become controlling, afraid, inclined to eat, sleep, spend, hide, judge, talk, travel, etc. So why not slow down, take a few deep breaths, and connect?

It makes me feel better. I was close to trying to fit into OA so that I feel like I belong, when the whole purpose is not to fit into another place, or use outside stuff to fill my emptiness. The purpose is to bring us back to the connection to a higher power in our lives. A power that doesn't abandon us, a power that holds us when we are struggling and guides us when we are lost. No big deal. :)