Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Follow Me Over Here
I'm going to start blogging about my interior experiences (mental, emotional, spiritual) while eating raw food. Find me here.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Meeting others on the path
I am tempted to re-title this blog because while OA is why I started this, it's not really the focus. Recovery isn't just from my addiction...it's about recovering my connection to the Divine, which I need help with every day.
Eating more uncooked fruits and veggies has been really good for me. For one, I am losing a lot of weight. It doesn't feel too fast, because I am not going hungry, losing energy, or feeling any negative effects from my diet change. I am also noticing that detoxing is really good for my body and really necessary and unfortunately, that has some not so pretty results. Some skin eruptions and interesting manifestations of detoxifying are somewhat apparent but I still feel good about going outside. Not to mention, my body feels great so I don't care!
I'm also doing colon therapy so that I can clean out any old and stagnant energy. It was an interesting first experience last week and I am eager to try it again. Even though I am regular, it's amazing what can come out.
I think the most important thing that has been happening is that I feel a lot more connected to the Divine. When I notice places in my life where I am stuck, it's easy to check in with God, ask for clarity (or have the lesson be revealed) and then follow the path. I still have feelings: anger, sadness, frustration, etc., but I find that I can move through them a lot better. They don't hang around to oppress me. Because of that, I also feel more drawn to specific callings and that's helpful too.
I am slow to work on my 4th step inventory. I feel oppressed by all the things I need to remember. But I suppose I don't have to do it all in one go. I can go one step at a time. I just feel like I have a LOT to write down.
The cravings have come back recently, with the detox, I've noticed. I see wheat, sugar, chocolate, etc and I imagine eating it all. I don't, luckily, but the temptation is there. I have allowed dark chocolate into my life and so far, it has not had an adverse effect (that I notice intuitively). It's so dark (91%) that I rarely want the huge piece that breaks off.
When I am eating my cooked dinner, if I have wheat, I am more inclined to eat more in general. At synagogue I am having a hard time saying no to Challah because it is so delicious and there is no alternative. I either have to start making my own, or bringing raw crackers to eat instead. Potlucks with other non-raw people and large groups are hard for me. Eating differently than Josh is also hard and I really want to have more folks to share with/call when raw eating is tough.
I am intrigued by the possibility of creating/experimenting with raw food, jewish style. Lots of Jewish foods are totally not possible for me to eat with a wheat sensitivity or because of a raw diet, so I want to see if I can create some staples. Sprouted challah would be really cool.
I just looked for a site for raw Passover and it seems there are many others who do the same thing! I found other recipes for other times, but again, they are simply vegan and not raw...but I have faith!
So on this raw food path and living foods lifestyle I am finding the recovery has taken on a much deeper meaning and has made a profound impact on my life. It's challenging at times, but I find that each interview with a raw foodist or each website that shows me more of what I am looking for in lifem brings me closer to myself. It's a strange process for sure, but I am enjoying. I feel abundant in it.
March 21st is the first day of Spring this year. Time for renewal!
Eating more uncooked fruits and veggies has been really good for me. For one, I am losing a lot of weight. It doesn't feel too fast, because I am not going hungry, losing energy, or feeling any negative effects from my diet change. I am also noticing that detoxing is really good for my body and really necessary and unfortunately, that has some not so pretty results. Some skin eruptions and interesting manifestations of detoxifying are somewhat apparent but I still feel good about going outside. Not to mention, my body feels great so I don't care!
I'm also doing colon therapy so that I can clean out any old and stagnant energy. It was an interesting first experience last week and I am eager to try it again. Even though I am regular, it's amazing what can come out.
I think the most important thing that has been happening is that I feel a lot more connected to the Divine. When I notice places in my life where I am stuck, it's easy to check in with God, ask for clarity (or have the lesson be revealed) and then follow the path. I still have feelings: anger, sadness, frustration, etc., but I find that I can move through them a lot better. They don't hang around to oppress me. Because of that, I also feel more drawn to specific callings and that's helpful too.
I am slow to work on my 4th step inventory. I feel oppressed by all the things I need to remember. But I suppose I don't have to do it all in one go. I can go one step at a time. I just feel like I have a LOT to write down.
The cravings have come back recently, with the detox, I've noticed. I see wheat, sugar, chocolate, etc and I imagine eating it all. I don't, luckily, but the temptation is there. I have allowed dark chocolate into my life and so far, it has not had an adverse effect (that I notice intuitively). It's so dark (91%) that I rarely want the huge piece that breaks off.
When I am eating my cooked dinner, if I have wheat, I am more inclined to eat more in general. At synagogue I am having a hard time saying no to Challah because it is so delicious and there is no alternative. I either have to start making my own, or bringing raw crackers to eat instead. Potlucks with other non-raw people and large groups are hard for me. Eating differently than Josh is also hard and I really want to have more folks to share with/call when raw eating is tough.
I am intrigued by the possibility of creating/experimenting with raw food, jewish style. Lots of Jewish foods are totally not possible for me to eat with a wheat sensitivity or because of a raw diet, so I want to see if I can create some staples. Sprouted challah would be really cool.
I just looked for a site for raw Passover and it seems there are many others who do the same thing! I found other recipes for other times, but again, they are simply vegan and not raw...but I have faith!
So on this raw food path and living foods lifestyle I am finding the recovery has taken on a much deeper meaning and has made a profound impact on my life. It's challenging at times, but I find that each interview with a raw foodist or each website that shows me more of what I am looking for in lifem brings me closer to myself. It's a strange process for sure, but I am enjoying. I feel abundant in it.
March 21st is the first day of Spring this year. Time for renewal!
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Raw Food
I have been eating raw food until dinner for the past couple of weeks and it's made a huge difference in my life. I feel a lot more conscious of my eating and I don't feel deprived. I did not share this with my sponsor. Mostly because I don't have a good relationship with her yet. More phone tag than anything. I emailed her a few days ago and said that it wasn't working out and that I'd look for a new sponsor.
I think I will just continue on in the OA workbook and share with my therapist. That seems simpler. I am not in danger of relapsing at all, in fact I feel really good in my body for once. I am not going to meetings that much, but I am still reading literature and staying aware of the possibility of sliding and slipping. But frankly, I feel a lot more stable than I did and I am getting support with the raw food diet and that's what I like and respond well to.
I have lost 15 lbs as of today. I haven't even been trying, but clothes are fitting much better/looser and I simply feel really good.
I am rebounding several times a week and walking when I can. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up a reason to walk, when really, I just enjoy walking. I am using it as transportation now so it's good for me because it doesn't feel like exercise.
I am going for a colon therapy appt. next week and I am very excited. I am interested in getting rid of the pain in my intestines (very minimal) as well as just giving my body a good, hardy clean. I am detoxing, I can feel it, but it's good for me and it's much better than walking around with the crap.
Although, bananas and blackberries in the smoothy seems to be making me feel a bit sluggish. I need to juice more carrots, beets, celery, etc.
Talking to other Raw folks is awesome and inspiring. I feel good about eating like this and it's actually not that hard to maintain. It's simple enough to eat anywhere and I usually fill up easily. I don't need to eat as much as I used to, so it also seems to be a bit cheaper.
Anyway, I am staying with my step work and that's imp. for my ongoing recovery. It's good for me to write it down as I process. Just to have it be more grounded than in my head.
I think I will just continue on in the OA workbook and share with my therapist. That seems simpler. I am not in danger of relapsing at all, in fact I feel really good in my body for once. I am not going to meetings that much, but I am still reading literature and staying aware of the possibility of sliding and slipping. But frankly, I feel a lot more stable than I did and I am getting support with the raw food diet and that's what I like and respond well to.
I have lost 15 lbs as of today. I haven't even been trying, but clothes are fitting much better/looser and I simply feel really good.
I am rebounding several times a week and walking when I can. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up a reason to walk, when really, I just enjoy walking. I am using it as transportation now so it's good for me because it doesn't feel like exercise.
I am going for a colon therapy appt. next week and I am very excited. I am interested in getting rid of the pain in my intestines (very minimal) as well as just giving my body a good, hardy clean. I am detoxing, I can feel it, but it's good for me and it's much better than walking around with the crap.
Although, bananas and blackberries in the smoothy seems to be making me feel a bit sluggish. I need to juice more carrots, beets, celery, etc.
Talking to other Raw folks is awesome and inspiring. I feel good about eating like this and it's actually not that hard to maintain. It's simple enough to eat anywhere and I usually fill up easily. I don't need to eat as much as I used to, so it also seems to be a bit cheaper.
Anyway, I am staying with my step work and that's imp. for my ongoing recovery. It's good for me to write it down as I process. Just to have it be more grounded than in my head.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Cravings and Compulsive Eating
I have to say this here. I don't feel the need to overeat as much as when I'm in OA meetings. Isn't that weird? I hear other people relapsing and I see them in meeting and then I think "Shit, I can eat sugar too then!" It's weird.
I'm also curious if it's just white sugar and chocolate with refined sugar that I shouldn't have. Will evap. cane juice be okay? Honey? Agave? Cocoa? I spose I need to dowse when I get home so that once I am done with detoxing, I will know what can be in my plan. And white sugar would be nice to be out of my body anyway...that way I can prepare my own desserts. We'll see.
I'm also wondering how much food is enough for me...I spose I need guidance on this part. I have to access that part of my HP that can help ignite the *enough* light when I am serving myself some food. Sometimes I feel like I am eating too little and then of course I want to eat a ton later.
I'm also curious if it's just white sugar and chocolate with refined sugar that I shouldn't have. Will evap. cane juice be okay? Honey? Agave? Cocoa? I spose I need to dowse when I get home so that once I am done with detoxing, I will know what can be in my plan. And white sugar would be nice to be out of my body anyway...that way I can prepare my own desserts. We'll see.
I'm also wondering how much food is enough for me...I spose I need guidance on this part. I have to access that part of my HP that can help ignite the *enough* light when I am serving myself some food. Sometimes I feel like I am eating too little and then of course I want to eat a ton later.
Monday, February 5, 2007
3rd Step Prayer (edited)
God, I offer myself to You--to build with me and to do with me as You will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of Life. May I do Your will always!
Friday, February 2, 2007
The Solution
I'm beginning to understand what it is about meetings I DON'T like. The sharing of despair, grief, and sadness. In listening to the AA podcasts (really interesting!) I am learning that the X-Anonymous (fill in your fav. addiction) program is a program of RECOVERY. More important than sharing your daily woes, is sharing your daily solutions for how you're not indulging in your addictive behavior. That is why I want to go to meetings. I want to hear what's fucking WORKING for people.
At this point, I am beginning the more intense detox (!) and I'll stay on that for at least two weeks. I know that I need some changes in my bio-chemistry, that things in my body are not running at an optimum rate, and I need to care for my insides. It's great that I am abstaining from sugar and chocolate, and that is not my problem. I want to feel good and in that feeling good (or while I am getting close to feeling good) I want a spiritual experience.
The detox is sort of a food plan in that I have designated things I must do or eat at specific times. I like the structure. Arising, Breakfast, Mid-morning Snack, Lunch, Mid-Afternoon Snack, Dinner, Going to Bed. This keeps things simple for me. Granted, there are many steps which may get complicated, but at first, it'll be good just to have the physical clarity.
It may also involve eating more chicken than I had planned to. 8 oz. a day is a LOT of meat. Perhaps I can do the flax thing or something. But as long as I know that it's helping my liver, I'm all for it. I know that I haven't been the most attentive to my body. I'll pay attention to what I want to pay attention to (usually, it's negative) and then of course I won't feel that much better. But Detoxing is important to me. The Fat Flush Plan seems to be sound. I bought the book and several items that we didn't already have in our diet/house. Cranberry juice (the no-sugar kind) for reducing water retention, lemon juice, flaxseed oil, flaxseeds, Omega-3 eggs, etc. I read in the book about how tissue can be water-logged, and that's exactly how I feel. My skin can be a bit too sensitive and I'm eager to see if detoxing my liver can change things. I'm not interested in weighing myself, because the weight hasn't been as important as the bloated, heavy feeling. That seems to be starting to change as I drink a LOT more water. I pee a lot, which I hate, but I hate even more being dehydrated!
I know I am on the dangerous edge of another "diet." I'm fully clear that while I decide what a good plan is for me, I still need to keep in contact with my Higher Power. I also look forward to working the twelve steps. I've wanted to do something like that for many years, but now I feel I can do it better with some support.
At this point, I am beginning the more intense detox (!) and I'll stay on that for at least two weeks. I know that I need some changes in my bio-chemistry, that things in my body are not running at an optimum rate, and I need to care for my insides. It's great that I am abstaining from sugar and chocolate, and that is not my problem. I want to feel good and in that feeling good (or while I am getting close to feeling good) I want a spiritual experience.
The detox is sort of a food plan in that I have designated things I must do or eat at specific times. I like the structure. Arising, Breakfast, Mid-morning Snack, Lunch, Mid-Afternoon Snack, Dinner, Going to Bed. This keeps things simple for me. Granted, there are many steps which may get complicated, but at first, it'll be good just to have the physical clarity.
It may also involve eating more chicken than I had planned to. 8 oz. a day is a LOT of meat. Perhaps I can do the flax thing or something. But as long as I know that it's helping my liver, I'm all for it. I know that I haven't been the most attentive to my body. I'll pay attention to what I want to pay attention to (usually, it's negative) and then of course I won't feel that much better. But Detoxing is important to me. The Fat Flush Plan seems to be sound. I bought the book and several items that we didn't already have in our diet/house. Cranberry juice (the no-sugar kind) for reducing water retention, lemon juice, flaxseed oil, flaxseeds, Omega-3 eggs, etc. I read in the book about how tissue can be water-logged, and that's exactly how I feel. My skin can be a bit too sensitive and I'm eager to see if detoxing my liver can change things. I'm not interested in weighing myself, because the weight hasn't been as important as the bloated, heavy feeling. That seems to be starting to change as I drink a LOT more water. I pee a lot, which I hate, but I hate even more being dehydrated!
I know I am on the dangerous edge of another "diet." I'm fully clear that while I decide what a good plan is for me, I still need to keep in contact with my Higher Power. I also look forward to working the twelve steps. I've wanted to do something like that for many years, but now I feel I can do it better with some support.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Another meeting
I went to another meeting yesterday. It's so strange how different the meetings are! This one was another small one...I like the smaller ones because I have time to talk, but also, they seem to be less organized or less able to deal with newcomers.
Last night I shared twice (!) which was nice, actually. The second time I shared I started to feel more grounded, versus reveling in the newcomer status...I've been listening to 12 step podcasts, which are really cool...they are mostly AA workshop/conference, but for the most part, I can hear things that are good for me and OA as well. A few guys, who sounded like 'salty dogs,' were weeping, talking about meditation and God, and simply telling it like it is. Refreshing.
So I shared about what's happening to me in this program, how everyone throw the term HP around like it's no big deal. It IS a BIG DEAL. We're talking about GOD! I went on to say that it's important for me to connect to God as I understand God. I don't have to use cute nicknames, or pretend to talk to God, when I'm just exercising my will. I have to find out, through this program or anything else, how I can connect to the awesome power that I don't understand, can't see, but definitely feel.
I know I overeat because I am missing something in my life. That "thing" is connection to Spirit. Sometimes I feel connected to Spirit when I see kids. I know that having kids is a good way to connect. But I don't want to have kids JUST to connect to God...because they will grow up and become their own persons and then I will still not connect to God regularly. So before that happens and I use my kids for a God cord, I need to find ways to connect to God just for me. I don't really do it at synagogue, or in meeting. The work I do with God is just for me, inside me, around me. Reiki is a good way. Sitting in silence with candles in the morning is a good way. Writing is a great way for me to connect. I do need a routine.
OA provides a structure, which I like and need, honestly. When I don't do OA stuff, I will have to fall back on my own structure. Connecting with Spirit is hard. It's something that lots of people don't broadcast to everyone. I need to protect myself when I start to go along with everyone else and forget my connection to God. It's not about how spiritual I am or how much better I am because of the connection. Hell, I'm not better and everyone can be spiritual. I'm not special by myself. Everyone is special. But I need to honor the longing I feel for the Spirit in my life. Josh and I do an okay job, but we could do better. I need a power greater than myself just so I don't think I am. I don't need to know it all right now (or ever!) and I don't need to be factually convinced of there being a God. God doesn't have to be associated with my religion or *feel* like God for everyone else. Just me. I don't even have to use the name God. Spirit, Highest Energy, whatever!
I just want to plug into that energy more. I need to, to feel solid in my life. Sure, I can get by with no connection, but I swear that's when I become controlling, afraid, inclined to eat, sleep, spend, hide, judge, talk, travel, etc. So why not slow down, take a few deep breaths, and connect?
It makes me feel better. I was close to trying to fit into OA so that I feel like I belong, when the whole purpose is not to fit into another place, or use outside stuff to fill my emptiness. The purpose is to bring us back to the connection to a higher power in our lives. A power that doesn't abandon us, a power that holds us when we are struggling and guides us when we are lost. No big deal. :)
Last night I shared twice (!) which was nice, actually. The second time I shared I started to feel more grounded, versus reveling in the newcomer status...I've been listening to 12 step podcasts, which are really cool...they are mostly AA workshop/conference, but for the most part, I can hear things that are good for me and OA as well. A few guys, who sounded like 'salty dogs,' were weeping, talking about meditation and God, and simply telling it like it is. Refreshing.
So I shared about what's happening to me in this program, how everyone throw the term HP around like it's no big deal. It IS a BIG DEAL. We're talking about GOD! I went on to say that it's important for me to connect to God as I understand God. I don't have to use cute nicknames, or pretend to talk to God, when I'm just exercising my will. I have to find out, through this program or anything else, how I can connect to the awesome power that I don't understand, can't see, but definitely feel.
I know I overeat because I am missing something in my life. That "thing" is connection to Spirit. Sometimes I feel connected to Spirit when I see kids. I know that having kids is a good way to connect. But I don't want to have kids JUST to connect to God...because they will grow up and become their own persons and then I will still not connect to God regularly. So before that happens and I use my kids for a God cord, I need to find ways to connect to God just for me. I don't really do it at synagogue, or in meeting. The work I do with God is just for me, inside me, around me. Reiki is a good way. Sitting in silence with candles in the morning is a good way. Writing is a great way for me to connect. I do need a routine.
OA provides a structure, which I like and need, honestly. When I don't do OA stuff, I will have to fall back on my own structure. Connecting with Spirit is hard. It's something that lots of people don't broadcast to everyone. I need to protect myself when I start to go along with everyone else and forget my connection to God. It's not about how spiritual I am or how much better I am because of the connection. Hell, I'm not better and everyone can be spiritual. I'm not special by myself. Everyone is special. But I need to honor the longing I feel for the Spirit in my life. Josh and I do an okay job, but we could do better. I need a power greater than myself just so I don't think I am. I don't need to know it all right now (or ever!) and I don't need to be factually convinced of there being a God. God doesn't have to be associated with my religion or *feel* like God for everyone else. Just me. I don't even have to use the name God. Spirit, Highest Energy, whatever!
I just want to plug into that energy more. I need to, to feel solid in my life. Sure, I can get by with no connection, but I swear that's when I become controlling, afraid, inclined to eat, sleep, spend, hide, judge, talk, travel, etc. So why not slow down, take a few deep breaths, and connect?
It makes me feel better. I was close to trying to fit into OA so that I feel like I belong, when the whole purpose is not to fit into another place, or use outside stuff to fill my emptiness. The purpose is to bring us back to the connection to a higher power in our lives. A power that doesn't abandon us, a power that holds us when we are struggling and guides us when we are lost. No big deal. :)
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