28 days

Why do I count the days I've been abstinent? When I'm about to reach for the food, I think, "Hmm, do I want to start all over again?" The counting helps me keep a big picture. While of course most folks are into the one day at a time mentality, I simply don't want to go back and eat sugar or chocolate until I feel the cravings go away. Hopefully by that point, I won't actually WANT those things. So far, the urge to reach for food 'just because' has drastically declined. I like that.

I'm reading about detoxing and what in food makes us lose or gain weight. This is not something that OA advocates necessarily, because it kind of looks like another diet, but I do feel that when I am armed with information, I can make better choices. I've been able to not drink for a while now and it's because I know what alcohol does to my body. Similarly, now that I know that a compromised liver is the worst thing you can have for weight loss, I am eager to support my liver any way I can.

The physical work of OA and weight loss and self-care is VERY hard for me. It's hard to be in social situations and say no to things I've normally devoured in minutes. It's hard to not eat stuff because of health because I fear being seen as someone who judges others for what they eat. Frankly, it's the information I want to pass on, not the judgment. Lots of people don't know the delicate biochemistry that our bodies engage in and I found it helpful to learn about what foods are keeping me down. I don't think I am better than anyone or that I have all the answers, but I feel silly not sharing them with others. I spose everyone needs to feel free to come to their life on their own, and I am learning humility around that, but it's an old habit to want to help immediately after I learn something. Perhaps the best way to offer information is when people ask. That's a toughy.

I am beginning to see why not getting a sponsor right away is good for me. I like instant results and not getting them can easily be a way to justify eating. Imagine that. Josh is gone for 10 days so I will take that time to relax and enjoy the process of finding a sponsor. It means I have to go to a lot more meetings. That's okay. That'll get me to a lot more meetings in any case. And also, I hope to find a meeting that I really like. So far, I like Saturday am in the UD. It kind of skews my Saturday mornings, but I spose, I need a bit of skewing.

I am finding that being in OA is not something to be ashamed of. Lots of people have told me that they would never have thought of me as an overeater. Me neither! But alas, I do overeat, compulsively eat, eat when I'm bored, eat to deal with life, etc. I do not eat simply to nourish myself. Seeing others that have either lost weight or didn't have much to lose is good for me. It takes teh stigma out of it a lot. I know that overeating isn't only something that shows up in weight. I'm just a person who overeats. No big deal. Not uncommon. Nothing to hide from people.

I am reading a lot of online shares from people. While this doesn't always speak to me and I know I hide behind emailing and writing sometimes, I do enjoy witnessing the process of others. I just shared for the third time for something that wasn't simply an introduction. It's good for me to share. I notice that I tend not to because I don't believe I have anything helpful to say or because I think it's 'silly.' But I also notice that I don't like when people don't share. So there that is. Sharing time for me! I think I am just defensive about sharing and the step that talks about sharing with another will be powerful. I will get to stop silently and secretly beating myself up. Sharing with another allows me to see my actions for what they are. And that's cool with me.

I feel like the steps are revealing themselves out of order and when I finally do them in order, with a bit more structure, I will be happy!