Procrastination

I went to another meeting last night. I'm basically shopping for a sponsor and I get a meeting out of it as well.
Here's the thing, I go, listen to who the sponsors are, take notes, get numbers, listen to shares and then I come home and tell myself all the reasons not to call people. Isolation! Sweet!

I'm on the edges of the program, I pretend I've been there for weeks, and then I go home and silently suffer. That's what gets me in trouble. I don't seek help, I wait until I am so sad or so beside myself that someone has to rescue me! I am an adult and I need to grow up and ask for help. A little girl won't ask for help. My little girl won't ask. But as an adult, I can make phone calls, set up meetings, and start my recovery. It's best not to let/make my little girl call. She gets nervous and uncomfortable and really, it's too scary for her. As an adult, I definitely can make a phone call and see how to do this. My HP will help me muster the courage to call. It's just a call!
With that call though, I am admitting that I want help. I already know I need help. And at meetings, I try to share as much as possible. But I also *want* help. I want to begin, I want to connect, I want to work the steps, share with another, and stop isolating. I think I let my introversion control my access to the world. I really like people, I like connecting, and I like becoming more intimate. It's also very scary to do those things. I fear rejection, dislike, misunderstanding, miscommunication, etc.
So my first step is to start using the phone. I already call my friends when I want to share. Good start. Now I need to connect with someone who is willing to sponsor me. I'm not a bad person, nor a crazy person who is too fragile for rejection, nor am I someone who should always expect rejection! Maybe those sponsors want a sponsee like me! Maybe there is an equal exchange in it. I believe there must be. It's not just me having all the needs.

Anyway, I wrote an OA buddy and told her my plan to call today. It's strange to see my weaknesses so close to me. I usually note them and quickly move on. I spose finding a sponsor isn't just about finding a sponsor for me. It's about the process of finding a sponsor too. As a kid I definitely did not ask for help. I asked my brother sometimes but in a way that didn't seem too needy (in my own young person opinion!). I wanted to deserve the help by being mature and forgiving of others. I wanted to intellectualize the help. I did not want to feel powerless in asking for help. Aha!
I admit my powerlessness. I admit that I cannot do this on my own (nor do I want to, frankly). I admit that despite my fears of intimacy, I know I cannot survive without it. One day at a time. One step at a time. One phone call at a time.