God as I Understand God

This program is very spiritual. Sometimes I forget that.

Where is my connection to God?

How can I make my connection to a higher power a daily thing? I use addiction to ignore God, to plug my ears, to pretend I don't have a higher purpose. In fact, I can see and feel how I am doing it right now. I work hard to simply maintain, versus opening up to the fact that God, the Highest Power, wants my greatest good. I am working at a PT job, writing on the side, and kind of staying out of sight.

What does God want with me? What more could I do? This is an amazing question. For now I am simply trying not to eat compulsively. But I will let God speak to me. I will let God show me my work. I will not try to figure it out, like I have been (quite unsuccessfully, of course). I am letting God speak to me. It's not always in my mind. Maggie was channeling God. Josh channels God. I need to spend more time talking to God. I need to give more up to God.

Josh and I talked about our housing and our future life and when I have long enough to reflect I know that God wants the best for us. I may not be able to get there in a straight line, but it is counter-productive to think that God doesn't care, see, or want what's best for us. God knows failure and depression...those things are not new to God. If I were a parent I would not want to constantly see my kid suffering...I would want him/her to grab hold of all that is available to him/her and move into life like THAT. And here I am, thinking that my invisibility is serving myself, as well as others! Here I am thinking that it's simply better to be out of people's way, to become unnoticable...what a crock of shit.
I did that when I was young. I hid from my family (most of them) so that they could have a better life, could get more care, could take care of more important things. I thought that taking care of others was paramount. And so now I have to struggle with that. Now I have to relearn (or learn for the first time?) that I need to take care of myself. That I need to ask for help in taking care of myself.
This is hard for me. Even now, I wonder about Josh, how he's taking care of himself, how I can take care of him, etc. It's a balancing act. I know that Josh will have to take his own path and that even if I have a good path for myself, it is not his path. UGH.
Right now I am preparing for a detox and it's good for me to do this when Josh is not here. But now I also see that I can do it when Josh IS here. I do not need him to be on the detox with me. I need to find support to stay on the detox for myself. There's no point in making Josh do it too. And also, I need to learn to listen to him and not judge...when he is expressing anger, I simply need to take care of myself. It's hard because anger affects me so deeply. I can't go and eat when I am afraid of him. I can show up, state my needs, and then seek some HP assistance. HARD HARD HARD.
I will learn though, because I must.