What's Going On

So after some obsession with internet loops, reading OA lit, and thinking about how food plays a large part in my life, I am finally coming down a bit. OA could possibly take over my life and honestly, I don't need another addiction.

Here's what's going on inside.

I am spending my requisite 4 hours a day during my work week going to work (victory!). This is a godsend. Although I am happy when it snows or when I don't have much work, I really enjoy being here. For one, I am not in my house. Two, I get to talk to other people about life (not my life, but our lives). Three, I feel really good about myself when I accomplish something on time, when I use my resources, when I fix a mistake that no one else saw, and when I have everything done by the time I go home. Working makes me feel like a "normal" person when most of my life I haven't felt like that. I work for a law firm that I adore. There's a lot of time to do other stuff, but when I do work, that's okay too. I feel competent, willing, and needed. Sometimes I want more to do, but honestly, I am happy to receive a paycheck (and a few cents raise, a bonus, a bus pass, health insurance, and an awesome work environment) for what I do.

When I leave work, I am eager to go home, settle down, say hello to Josh, and either make dinner, clean up, or putter around the house. Sometimes I read, email or websurf. This is a pleasant time. I feel warm and held, especially when I can see Josh. If I am hanging out with a friend or family member, I am happy to have that time to share and talk about our lives, struggles, victories, etc.

So a lot of my day (from 1pm-11pm) I am not obsessed with food. At work I have simply decided to start telepathically talking to food that calls to me (less stares that way!) and we have short dialogues where I tell the food that I am not interested in it and actually, I am more interested in life without it. I have spent many moments finding out how "good" my life is after a piece of chocolate and honestly, it's no better. A bit heavier at best.

When I am at home, alone, it's harder. I have moved the chocolate and sweets into one place, in the closet, so that if Josh wants some, he can have it, but then I don't see it every time I go into the kitchen. This is really hard for me. I spend a lot of time talking to myself, saying "One Day at a Time", "Do I need that?", "What am I avoiding?", etc. It's a lot of self-talk. Luckily, it's good self-talk (versus the bad self talk that I do when I prepare to eat--I can justify the eating because I have bad-talked myself and want to feel better) and then I can honestly see how many times a day I am obsessing, thinking, planning, dealing with food.

Here are some questions an OAer posted before she takes a bite:

Can my stomach hold this much food?
Is this binge the will of God?
How may I serve God by not bingeing?
Will bingeing make the situation better?
Will I feel better after the binge?
Will I feel guilt, shame, or remorse if I binge?
What else can I do besides binge?

These are good questions to ask. What else can I do besides eat? I don't feel I binge that often since I don't even like the word, but I do know that I eat when I am bored and there are probably a lot of other things I can do to keep that from happening. Reading, writing and sitting are three good ones.