The Past

Dwell not on the past. Use it to
illustrate a point, then leave it
behind.  Nothing really matters except
what you do now in this instant of time.

-Elieen Caddy

Funny how things come into your life like that. Eileen passed away a month ago and yet, her gifts will continue to give. That's awesome.

I will make amends and forgive others,
not for them, but for me. I pray to live
in today, to make it the best day I can.

This is an interesting part of recovery that I am eager to approach. I don't really know how or what, but I do know that I have massive resentments toward Chad and my mom and even some other family members. I know that the resentment is really grinding into my life now, it is keeping me from being the best I can be. There are a lot of things that I resent my mom for (the list seems to keep growing!) and I know that those little things cannot be good left to their own devices. So I look forward to unearthing all the resentments, laying them out, and moving beyond them.

I've written down all the meetings I can go to during the week. That's good for me because I just need to have options. It's nice to go to meetings. They are structured and I don't need to exert a lot of energy. I just need to show up. There are parts of me that don't want another thing to do but I think meetings are good for me because the homework that I will eventually be doing is for myself and my sponsor.

I am still thinking about food. Not now, I'm full, but I do think about lunch and the lack of lunch when I leave the house. I want more carbohydrates, or more filling/heavy foods. I just don't want to feel hungry again in an hour. I wonder though if I'll feel hungry anyway, but I am just constantly hungry or thinking I am.

There are several things I need to do: go to more meetings, get a sponsor, get the literature, and find a therapist.

I'm reading my first online meeting. It's a bit slow, but good to be able to be online at work.
I struggle with the lack of depth in sharing...I think I need a sponsor more and more. I want more time to talk, explore, delve, etc and meetings are just a way for people to share a few things. I think what I don't like is the slogan talk. I know it helps people, but it doesn't help me. I think there are a lot of things that I will have to learn to 'leave.'

Today I have 24 days of abstinence. Wahoo! It doesn't seem like a lot until I count. I am feeling more and more okay with saying no to sugar and chocolate. I really like the way I feel. It's not amazing yet, but it's better and that's what I like. My period was normal, my cramps were minimal (non-existent?), my libido is back, and it seems as though I am moving forward less frantically.

Maggie's insight about how I use sugar to keep up the buzzing pace was important to hear and important to remind myself about. Sugar is not a tool that I need to use to keep going at a frantic, ungrounded pace. Sugar is not a tool at all. It is a way to sweeten things. It is an artificial way to sweeten things. It can definitely dampen my mood with all the spiking. It keeps me from my good.

The meeting is over and I just emailed a temporary sponsor. I hear Josh's voice in my head about hiding on email, but at this point, I simply can't get to enough meetings where there are sponsors. I can't really get to know people in one meeting so I need to go to many different ones, meet several people, and then choose. In the meantime, I want to have some contact and get some answers.

Anyway, the online thing is good for me because it's always there and I can listen far better. I don't feel as nervous either. Although, it's still slow. Maybe I need slow. Maybe that's good for me right now. Well, I'll keep doing both. It's nice to have meetings to go to all day and night. Not that I wake up and eat, but it's nice to know I don't have to.