This program is very spiritual. Sometimes I forget that.
Where is my connection to God?
How can I make my connection to a higher power a daily thing? I use addiction to ignore God, to plug my ears, to pretend I don't have a higher purpose. In fact, I can see and feel how I am doing it right now. I work hard to simply maintain, versus opening up to the fact that God, the Highest Power, wants my greatest good. I am working at a PT job, writing on the side, and kind of staying out of sight.
What does God want with me? What more could I do? This is an amazing question. For now I am simply trying not to eat compulsively. But I will let God speak to me. I will let God show me my work. I will not try to figure it out, like I have been (quite unsuccessfully, of course). I am letting God speak to me. It's not always in my mind. Maggie was channeling God. Josh channels God. I need to spend more time talking to God. I need to give more up to God.
Josh and I talked about our housing and our future life and when I have long enough to reflect I know that God wants the best for us. I may not be able to get there in a straight line, but it is counter-productive to think that God doesn't care, see, or want what's best for us. God knows failure and depression...those things are not new to God. If I were a parent I would not want to constantly see my kid suffering...I would want him/her to grab hold of all that is available to him/her and move into life like THAT. And here I am, thinking that my invisibility is serving myself, as well as others! Here I am thinking that it's simply better to be out of people's way, to become unnoticable...what a crock of shit.
I did that when I was young. I hid from my family (most of them) so that they could have a better life, could get more care, could take care of more important things. I thought that taking care of others was paramount. And so now I have to struggle with that. Now I have to relearn (or learn for the first time?) that I need to take care of myself. That I need to ask for help in taking care of myself.
This is hard for me. Even now, I wonder about Josh, how he's taking care of himself, how I can take care of him, etc. It's a balancing act. I know that Josh will have to take his own path and that even if I have a good path for myself, it is not his path. UGH.
Right now I am preparing for a detox and it's good for me to do this when Josh is not here. But now I also see that I can do it when Josh IS here. I do not need him to be on the detox with me. I need to find support to stay on the detox for myself. There's no point in making Josh do it too. And also, I need to learn to listen to him and not judge...when he is expressing anger, I simply need to take care of myself. It's hard because anger affects me so deeply. I can't go and eat when I am afraid of him. I can show up, state my needs, and then seek some HP assistance. HARD HARD HARD.
I will learn though, because I must.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Not So Bad
I called and it wasn't so bad. I reached out to my buddy, shared my fear, went to dance class and came home and called (before I got completely crazy about it).
Nothing too scary. I will not call the other sponsors until I hear back so that I don't move too quickly to avoid rejection. It wouldn't be the end of the world. It's OKAY. I will be guided to the right sponsor. Spirituality isn't just present when I want it to be. It's always there and I can choose to welcome it into my life or not.
The 12 steps are really spiritually based and that's very interesting, but very helpful. I am learning to access Universal Guidance a lot more.
All right, time to go to work!
Nothing too scary. I will not call the other sponsors until I hear back so that I don't move too quickly to avoid rejection. It wouldn't be the end of the world. It's OKAY. I will be guided to the right sponsor. Spirituality isn't just present when I want it to be. It's always there and I can choose to welcome it into my life or not.
The 12 steps are really spiritually based and that's very interesting, but very helpful. I am learning to access Universal Guidance a lot more.
All right, time to go to work!
Procrastination
I went to another meeting last night. I'm basically shopping for a sponsor and I get a meeting out of it as well.
Here's the thing, I go, listen to who the sponsors are, take notes, get numbers, listen to shares and then I come home and tell myself all the reasons not to call people. Isolation! Sweet!
I'm on the edges of the program, I pretend I've been there for weeks, and then I go home and silently suffer. That's what gets me in trouble. I don't seek help, I wait until I am so sad or so beside myself that someone has to rescue me! I am an adult and I need to grow up and ask for help. A little girl won't ask for help. My little girl won't ask. But as an adult, I can make phone calls, set up meetings, and start my recovery. It's best not to let/make my little girl call. She gets nervous and uncomfortable and really, it's too scary for her. As an adult, I definitely can make a phone call and see how to do this. My HP will help me muster the courage to call. It's just a call!
With that call though, I am admitting that I want help. I already know I need help. And at meetings, I try to share as much as possible. But I also *want* help. I want to begin, I want to connect, I want to work the steps, share with another, and stop isolating. I think I let my introversion control my access to the world. I really like people, I like connecting, and I like becoming more intimate. It's also very scary to do those things. I fear rejection, dislike, misunderstanding, miscommunication, etc.
So my first step is to start using the phone. I already call my friends when I want to share. Good start. Now I need to connect with someone who is willing to sponsor me. I'm not a bad person, nor a crazy person who is too fragile for rejection, nor am I someone who should always expect rejection! Maybe those sponsors want a sponsee like me! Maybe there is an equal exchange in it. I believe there must be. It's not just me having all the needs.
Anyway, I wrote an OA buddy and told her my plan to call today. It's strange to see my weaknesses so close to me. I usually note them and quickly move on. I spose finding a sponsor isn't just about finding a sponsor for me. It's about the process of finding a sponsor too. As a kid I definitely did not ask for help. I asked my brother sometimes but in a way that didn't seem too needy (in my own young person opinion!). I wanted to deserve the help by being mature and forgiving of others. I wanted to intellectualize the help. I did not want to feel powerless in asking for help. Aha!
I admit my powerlessness. I admit that I cannot do this on my own (nor do I want to, frankly). I admit that despite my fears of intimacy, I know I cannot survive without it. One day at a time. One step at a time. One phone call at a time.
Here's the thing, I go, listen to who the sponsors are, take notes, get numbers, listen to shares and then I come home and tell myself all the reasons not to call people. Isolation! Sweet!
I'm on the edges of the program, I pretend I've been there for weeks, and then I go home and silently suffer. That's what gets me in trouble. I don't seek help, I wait until I am so sad or so beside myself that someone has to rescue me! I am an adult and I need to grow up and ask for help. A little girl won't ask for help. My little girl won't ask. But as an adult, I can make phone calls, set up meetings, and start my recovery. It's best not to let/make my little girl call. She gets nervous and uncomfortable and really, it's too scary for her. As an adult, I definitely can make a phone call and see how to do this. My HP will help me muster the courage to call. It's just a call!
With that call though, I am admitting that I want help. I already know I need help. And at meetings, I try to share as much as possible. But I also *want* help. I want to begin, I want to connect, I want to work the steps, share with another, and stop isolating. I think I let my introversion control my access to the world. I really like people, I like connecting, and I like becoming more intimate. It's also very scary to do those things. I fear rejection, dislike, misunderstanding, miscommunication, etc.
So my first step is to start using the phone. I already call my friends when I want to share. Good start. Now I need to connect with someone who is willing to sponsor me. I'm not a bad person, nor a crazy person who is too fragile for rejection, nor am I someone who should always expect rejection! Maybe those sponsors want a sponsee like me! Maybe there is an equal exchange in it. I believe there must be. It's not just me having all the needs.
Anyway, I wrote an OA buddy and told her my plan to call today. It's strange to see my weaknesses so close to me. I usually note them and quickly move on. I spose finding a sponsor isn't just about finding a sponsor for me. It's about the process of finding a sponsor too. As a kid I definitely did not ask for help. I asked my brother sometimes but in a way that didn't seem too needy (in my own young person opinion!). I wanted to deserve the help by being mature and forgiving of others. I wanted to intellectualize the help. I did not want to feel powerless in asking for help. Aha!
I admit my powerlessness. I admit that I cannot do this on my own (nor do I want to, frankly). I admit that despite my fears of intimacy, I know I cannot survive without it. One day at a time. One step at a time. One phone call at a time.
Monday, January 29, 2007
28 days
Why do I count the days I've been abstinent? When I'm about to reach for the food, I think, "Hmm, do I want to start all over again?" The counting helps me keep a big picture. While of course most folks are into the one day at a time mentality, I simply don't want to go back and eat sugar or chocolate until I feel the cravings go away. Hopefully by that point, I won't actually WANT those things. So far, the urge to reach for food 'just because' has drastically declined. I like that.
I'm reading about detoxing and what in food makes us lose or gain weight. This is not something that OA advocates necessarily, because it kind of looks like another diet, but I do feel that when I am armed with information, I can make better choices. I've been able to not drink for a while now and it's because I know what alcohol does to my body. Similarly, now that I know that a compromised liver is the worst thing you can have for weight loss, I am eager to support my liver any way I can.
The physical work of OA and weight loss and self-care is VERY hard for me. It's hard to be in social situations and say no to things I've normally devoured in minutes. It's hard to not eat stuff because of health because I fear being seen as someone who judges others for what they eat. Frankly, it's the information I want to pass on, not the judgment. Lots of people don't know the delicate biochemistry that our bodies engage in and I found it helpful to learn about what foods are keeping me down. I don't think I am better than anyone or that I have all the answers, but I feel silly not sharing them with others. I spose everyone needs to feel free to come to their life on their own, and I am learning humility around that, but it's an old habit to want to help immediately after I learn something. Perhaps the best way to offer information is when people ask. That's a toughy.
I am beginning to see why not getting a sponsor right away is good for me. I like instant results and not getting them can easily be a way to justify eating. Imagine that. Josh is gone for 10 days so I will take that time to relax and enjoy the process of finding a sponsor. It means I have to go to a lot more meetings. That's okay. That'll get me to a lot more meetings in any case. And also, I hope to find a meeting that I really like. So far, I like Saturday am in the UD. It kind of skews my Saturday mornings, but I spose, I need a bit of skewing.
I am finding that being in OA is not something to be ashamed of. Lots of people have told me that they would never have thought of me as an overeater. Me neither! But alas, I do overeat, compulsively eat, eat when I'm bored, eat to deal with life, etc. I do not eat simply to nourish myself. Seeing others that have either lost weight or didn't have much to lose is good for me. It takes teh stigma out of it a lot. I know that overeating isn't only something that shows up in weight. I'm just a person who overeats. No big deal. Not uncommon. Nothing to hide from people.
I am reading a lot of online shares from people. While this doesn't always speak to me and I know I hide behind emailing and writing sometimes, I do enjoy witnessing the process of others. I just shared for the third time for something that wasn't simply an introduction. It's good for me to share. I notice that I tend not to because I don't believe I have anything helpful to say or because I think it's 'silly.' But I also notice that I don't like when people don't share. So there that is. Sharing time for me! I think I am just defensive about sharing and the step that talks about sharing with another will be powerful. I will get to stop silently and secretly beating myself up. Sharing with another allows me to see my actions for what they are. And that's cool with me.
I feel like the steps are revealing themselves out of order and when I finally do them in order, with a bit more structure, I will be happy!
I'm reading about detoxing and what in food makes us lose or gain weight. This is not something that OA advocates necessarily, because it kind of looks like another diet, but I do feel that when I am armed with information, I can make better choices. I've been able to not drink for a while now and it's because I know what alcohol does to my body. Similarly, now that I know that a compromised liver is the worst thing you can have for weight loss, I am eager to support my liver any way I can.
The physical work of OA and weight loss and self-care is VERY hard for me. It's hard to be in social situations and say no to things I've normally devoured in minutes. It's hard to not eat stuff because of health because I fear being seen as someone who judges others for what they eat. Frankly, it's the information I want to pass on, not the judgment. Lots of people don't know the delicate biochemistry that our bodies engage in and I found it helpful to learn about what foods are keeping me down. I don't think I am better than anyone or that I have all the answers, but I feel silly not sharing them with others. I spose everyone needs to feel free to come to their life on their own, and I am learning humility around that, but it's an old habit to want to help immediately after I learn something. Perhaps the best way to offer information is when people ask. That's a toughy.
I am beginning to see why not getting a sponsor right away is good for me. I like instant results and not getting them can easily be a way to justify eating. Imagine that. Josh is gone for 10 days so I will take that time to relax and enjoy the process of finding a sponsor. It means I have to go to a lot more meetings. That's okay. That'll get me to a lot more meetings in any case. And also, I hope to find a meeting that I really like. So far, I like Saturday am in the UD. It kind of skews my Saturday mornings, but I spose, I need a bit of skewing.
I am finding that being in OA is not something to be ashamed of. Lots of people have told me that they would never have thought of me as an overeater. Me neither! But alas, I do overeat, compulsively eat, eat when I'm bored, eat to deal with life, etc. I do not eat simply to nourish myself. Seeing others that have either lost weight or didn't have much to lose is good for me. It takes teh stigma out of it a lot. I know that overeating isn't only something that shows up in weight. I'm just a person who overeats. No big deal. Not uncommon. Nothing to hide from people.
I am reading a lot of online shares from people. While this doesn't always speak to me and I know I hide behind emailing and writing sometimes, I do enjoy witnessing the process of others. I just shared for the third time for something that wasn't simply an introduction. It's good for me to share. I notice that I tend not to because I don't believe I have anything helpful to say or because I think it's 'silly.' But I also notice that I don't like when people don't share. So there that is. Sharing time for me! I think I am just defensive about sharing and the step that talks about sharing with another will be powerful. I will get to stop silently and secretly beating myself up. Sharing with another allows me to see my actions for what they are. And that's cool with me.
I feel like the steps are revealing themselves out of order and when I finally do them in order, with a bit more structure, I will be happy!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The Past
Dwell not on the past. Use it to-Elieen Caddy
illustrate a point, then leave it
behind. Nothing really matters except
what you do now in this instant of time.
Funny how things come into your life like that. Eileen passed away a month ago and yet, her gifts will continue to give. That's awesome.
I will make amends and forgive others,This is an interesting part of recovery that I am eager to approach. I don't really know how or what, but I do know that I have massive resentments toward Chad and my mom and even some other family members. I know that the resentment is really grinding into my life now, it is keeping me from being the best I can be. There are a lot of things that I resent my mom for (the list seems to keep growing!) and I know that those little things cannot be good left to their own devices. So I look forward to unearthing all the resentments, laying them out, and moving beyond them.
not for them, but for me. I pray to live
in today, to make it the best day I can.
I've written down all the meetings I can go to during the week. That's good for me because I just need to have options. It's nice to go to meetings. They are structured and I don't need to exert a lot of energy. I just need to show up. There are parts of me that don't want another thing to do but I think meetings are good for me because the homework that I will eventually be doing is for myself and my sponsor.
I am still thinking about food. Not now, I'm full, but I do think about lunch and the lack of lunch when I leave the house. I want more carbohydrates, or more filling/heavy foods. I just don't want to feel hungry again in an hour. I wonder though if I'll feel hungry anyway, but I am just constantly hungry or thinking I am.
There are several things I need to do: go to more meetings, get a sponsor, get the literature, and find a therapist.
I'm reading my first online meeting. It's a bit slow, but good to be able to be online at work.
I struggle with the lack of depth in sharing...I think I need a sponsor more and more. I want more time to talk, explore, delve, etc and meetings are just a way for people to share a few things. I think what I don't like is the slogan talk. I know it helps people, but it doesn't help me. I think there are a lot of things that I will have to learn to 'leave.'
Today I have 24 days of abstinence. Wahoo! It doesn't seem like a lot until I count. I am feeling more and more okay with saying no to sugar and chocolate. I really like the way I feel. It's not amazing yet, but it's better and that's what I like. My period was normal, my cramps were minimal (non-existent?), my libido is back, and it seems as though I am moving forward less frantically.
Maggie's insight about how I use sugar to keep up the buzzing pace was important to hear and important to remind myself about. Sugar is not a tool that I need to use to keep going at a frantic, ungrounded pace. Sugar is not a tool at all. It is a way to sweeten things. It is an artificial way to sweeten things. It can definitely dampen my mood with all the spiking. It keeps me from my good.
The meeting is over and I just emailed a temporary sponsor. I hear Josh's voice in my head about hiding on email, but at this point, I simply can't get to enough meetings where there are sponsors. I can't really get to know people in one meeting so I need to go to many different ones, meet several people, and then choose. In the meantime, I want to have some contact and get some answers.
Anyway, the online thing is good for me because it's always there and I can listen far better. I don't feel as nervous either. Although, it's still slow. Maybe I need slow. Maybe that's good for me right now. Well, I'll keep doing both. It's nice to have meetings to go to all day and night. Not that I wake up and eat, but it's nice to know I don't have to.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Lots of Changes
I should write in here more. I still don't have a sponsor and while that's not a big deal two weeks into the program, I am definitely interested in working the steps and I want to talk to someone about things I can do, what I'm going through, what's challenging, etc.
Today there were carbolicious sweets at work and I did not have the sweeter ones, but I did have a scone. It technically has sugar in it, but it did not trigger me into wanting more. I also brought a few snacks of my own but have not eaten them because I'm not hungry!
At first I was mostly concerned with not eating my trigger foods. But now I realize that having a food plan for myself would be really good and so I am interested in exploring that more. The woman who teaches me Nia on Monday nights might be a good resource. Anyway, I am now noticing how often I eat and while I don't eat my trigger foods, I notice that I am not feeling full or satisfied. The next step...
I am happy to be sticking with my abstinance though. It's hard sometimes. I do want to call someone when I see the doughnuts or the candy, but I ask my HP to help out and usually I get back to work or something else that's not food related.
My monthly cycle has lessened in pain and it's more regular (yay!). I find that I have a libido again (hmm, that's an interesting thing, I didn't know it left). I am not so obsessed with food. I still think about it sometimes, but not all the time. It's nice to have some boundaries. I also feel my feelings more, instead of stuffing them down with food. It can scare me to hear my voice raise a little or to feel hurt more frequently, but at least I know I am feeling stuff and it's nice to be able to emote properly.
More things are happening as a result of not eating sugar/chocolate but I can't think of them now. I am feeling less controlling...and sometimes that means my head doesn't hold information. I am letting up and letting go a lot more. :)
Today there were carbolicious sweets at work and I did not have the sweeter ones, but I did have a scone. It technically has sugar in it, but it did not trigger me into wanting more. I also brought a few snacks of my own but have not eaten them because I'm not hungry!
At first I was mostly concerned with not eating my trigger foods. But now I realize that having a food plan for myself would be really good and so I am interested in exploring that more. The woman who teaches me Nia on Monday nights might be a good resource. Anyway, I am now noticing how often I eat and while I don't eat my trigger foods, I notice that I am not feeling full or satisfied. The next step...
I am happy to be sticking with my abstinance though. It's hard sometimes. I do want to call someone when I see the doughnuts or the candy, but I ask my HP to help out and usually I get back to work or something else that's not food related.
My monthly cycle has lessened in pain and it's more regular (yay!). I find that I have a libido again (hmm, that's an interesting thing, I didn't know it left). I am not so obsessed with food. I still think about it sometimes, but not all the time. It's nice to have some boundaries. I also feel my feelings more, instead of stuffing them down with food. It can scare me to hear my voice raise a little or to feel hurt more frequently, but at least I know I am feeling stuff and it's nice to be able to emote properly.
More things are happening as a result of not eating sugar/chocolate but I can't think of them now. I am feeling less controlling...and sometimes that means my head doesn't hold information. I am letting up and letting go a lot more. :)
Monday, January 15, 2007
Everyday Life
I went to a meeting on Saturday in the U Dist. It was a lot better than my first meeting. Lots more people, lots of people that 'looked' like me. I felt better about not being overweight. I even saw a few people I knew.
The sharings were really great. It was nice to hear all the different kinds of people and their experiences. I got a newcomer's packet, which was just what I needed and wanted. It had numbers of people on it and inside was some info that cleared up a bit. I'd like to come back to that meeting as often as possible. There were younger people there too, which is nice to see. I mean, you know.
After the meeting I talked with Pam for a while and it was really nice to get out that nervous energy. I still have a lot. I'm starting to get a bit normal around the sugar and chocolate. There are a few people who are doing it at work and among my friends. That's good for me.
It's hard sometimes to see sweet things and not eat them. I just want an alternative. Refined sugar is crazy!
I had a few things that might have had sugar, but I did not give in to the temptation, which I was proud of. It's hard.
I think the buddy thing online is nice as well as being able to call several people at the Sat. meeting. Josh likes his Tuesday meeting, but I'm not sure I like my Tuesday meeting. Although, to be fair, it's at a good time. Maybe I can go to 2 meetings a week. We'll see. I suppose it might be nice to share a bit more at the smaller meeting. I like the step work. But I also like the newcomer stuff. There's a few other meetings I'd like to try as well, just to see how they are. Got to find a home meeting, you know?
Anyway, I told Selena and Layla yesterday about being in OA. I feel less shame about it because I know that I am in it because all I want to do is stop eating compulsively. There's no reason to justify it, I just want to stop eating unconsciously. Everyone seems to be surprised, which is to be expected, but honestly, I don't feel odd being in the meetings. It lets me be with different people as well as spend time thinking about my life and my actions in it.
Perhaps that is what I want. More conscious time to think about my life. I spose there are many ways to think about my life, but meetings provide a nice structure for it. At least, it will keep me on track, keep me thinking of things.
I have a huge headache right now! And food, advil, and water aren't helping. It is simply stress? I like getting ready leisurely but then I have a lot of time to sit. I'm waiting for laundry to finish. I have to take garbage and compost out.
Anyway, I'll be fine in Europe. But luckily I have a few people I can email in case it's too hard. But frankly, I am not eager to eat the chocolate or sugar. I am eager to stop that habit. I'm eager for help from my HP to help me stop it. :)
I'll check in later.
The sharings were really great. It was nice to hear all the different kinds of people and their experiences. I got a newcomer's packet, which was just what I needed and wanted. It had numbers of people on it and inside was some info that cleared up a bit. I'd like to come back to that meeting as often as possible. There were younger people there too, which is nice to see. I mean, you know.
After the meeting I talked with Pam for a while and it was really nice to get out that nervous energy. I still have a lot. I'm starting to get a bit normal around the sugar and chocolate. There are a few people who are doing it at work and among my friends. That's good for me.
It's hard sometimes to see sweet things and not eat them. I just want an alternative. Refined sugar is crazy!
I had a few things that might have had sugar, but I did not give in to the temptation, which I was proud of. It's hard.
I think the buddy thing online is nice as well as being able to call several people at the Sat. meeting. Josh likes his Tuesday meeting, but I'm not sure I like my Tuesday meeting. Although, to be fair, it's at a good time. Maybe I can go to 2 meetings a week. We'll see. I suppose it might be nice to share a bit more at the smaller meeting. I like the step work. But I also like the newcomer stuff. There's a few other meetings I'd like to try as well, just to see how they are. Got to find a home meeting, you know?
Anyway, I told Selena and Layla yesterday about being in OA. I feel less shame about it because I know that I am in it because all I want to do is stop eating compulsively. There's no reason to justify it, I just want to stop eating unconsciously. Everyone seems to be surprised, which is to be expected, but honestly, I don't feel odd being in the meetings. It lets me be with different people as well as spend time thinking about my life and my actions in it.
Perhaps that is what I want. More conscious time to think about my life. I spose there are many ways to think about my life, but meetings provide a nice structure for it. At least, it will keep me on track, keep me thinking of things.
I have a huge headache right now! And food, advil, and water aren't helping. It is simply stress? I like getting ready leisurely but then I have a lot of time to sit. I'm waiting for laundry to finish. I have to take garbage and compost out.
Anyway, I'll be fine in Europe. But luckily I have a few people I can email in case it's too hard. But frankly, I am not eager to eat the chocolate or sugar. I am eager to stop that habit. I'm eager for help from my HP to help me stop it. :)
I'll check in later.
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