Not a descriptive title, I admit. But I feel pretty good right now. And here's why:
Nothing big has changed...from the outside. I still work PT (although for the next three weeks, I'll be working FT!), still a contractor, spend most of my time in 12 step groups or at work or hanging with Josh. Simplified life, but enjoying it. My food awareness is changing rapidly. I'm going to OA meetings, with a totally different outlook than I had before. I'm keeping my cards close to my chest, rather than blabbing to all the people I know that I am going to OA.
I share openly about DA, but it feels different.
In OA though I am sharing more and I feel confident that I in that sharing, I am being honest about the fact that even though I don't look or feel like those who I hear or see, I belong in OA. Just by saying and feeling that, things are changing. All I'm *really* saying is that I use food instead of God. That makes me qualify.
Going to an OA retreat in two weeks. I'm a bit scared, but I am so willing right now. HP is showing me a totally different life that I can live and rather than thinking my way has been going so well, I'm willing to take a look at the way HP is showing me. So yay, that's a big move for me.
After a soul retrieval last weekend I realize that instead of writing, practicing energy work, singing, designing, and being in nature, I am using food and money to fill those holes. Boo. I have tools, not just 12 step tools, but personal tools that keep me connected, and I am able to use them too. I had an idea today that I could do a radio show on relationships. Like my examiner articles, but with my voice. And maybe share that with Josh? Hmm...that would be really great.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Fellowship
I am happy to be in DA mostly because it's been the best 12 step experience I've had. One way I treat myself poorly is by isolating myself if I feel angry, ashamed, anxious, stressed, etc. DA has allowed me to do other things instead, like seek fellowship.
This past weekend I was able to be of service and get some fellowship and it made me feel really good. And I experienced what Bill W. was talking about in staying sober through trying to help others.
I am eager to progress further in the steps and to begin sponsorship soon!
This past weekend I was able to be of service and get some fellowship and it made me feel really good. And I experienced what Bill W. was talking about in staying sober through trying to help others.
I am eager to progress further in the steps and to begin sponsorship soon!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Debtor's Anonymous
This blog is now going to be about 12 Steps in general (and of course, my experience with them) because I have been in three different programs, all with helpful aspects, but holding in common the 12 Steps. Combined with regular spiritual and emotional development, the 12 Steps are a strong and successful path to recovery.
"Step Three--Gradually, one day at a time, we invited our Higher Power to walk with us in all areas of our lives; this paved the way to a new self-acceptance."
I like this step and the language used.
"We invited"
This is a great way to see how we can acknowledge HP in our lives. I definitely feel good about inviting.
"...To walk with us in all areas of our lives..."
This really gets at the fact that HP resides everywhere, not just around our addictions and their recovery.
"...Paved the way to a new self-acceptance"
HP in our lives allows us to step back, even if just a little, to see ourselves more objectively, which can actually help us accept our human characteristics. HP already accepts us, so we can follow suit.
The below story was re-told to me by my husband (but written by Mary Stevenson), specifically regarding recovery.
"Step Three--Gradually, one day at a time, we invited our Higher Power to walk with us in all areas of our lives; this paved the way to a new self-acceptance."
I like this step and the language used.
"We invited"
This is a great way to see how we can acknowledge HP in our lives. I definitely feel good about inviting.
"...To walk with us in all areas of our lives..."
This really gets at the fact that HP resides everywhere, not just around our addictions and their recovery.
"...Paved the way to a new self-acceptance"
HP in our lives allows us to step back, even if just a little, to see ourselves more objectively, which can actually help us accept our human characteristics. HP already accepts us, so we can follow suit.
The below story was re-told to me by my husband (but written by Mary Stevenson), specifically regarding recovery.
| Footprints in the Sand |
| One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. |
| Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. |
| In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. |
| Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, |
| other times there were one set of footprints. |
| This bothered me because I noticed |
| that during the low periods of my life, |
| when I was suffering from |
| anguish, sorrow or defeat, |
| I could see only one set of footprints. |
| So I said to the Lord, |
| "You promised me Lord, |
| that if I followed you, |
| you would walk with me always. |
| But I have noticed that during |
| the most trying periods of my life |
| there have only been one |
| set of footprints in the sand. |
| Why, when I needed you most, |
| you have not been there for me?" |
| The Lord replied, |
| "The times when you have |
| seen only one set of footprints in the sand, |
| is when I carried you." |
| Mary Stevenson |
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Follow Me Over Here
I'm going to start blogging about my interior experiences (mental, emotional, spiritual) while eating raw food. Find me here.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Meeting others on the path
I am tempted to re-title this blog because while OA is why I started this, it's not really the focus. Recovery isn't just from my addiction...it's about recovering my connection to the Divine, which I need help with every day.
Eating more uncooked fruits and veggies has been really good for me. For one, I am losing a lot of weight. It doesn't feel too fast, because I am not going hungry, losing energy, or feeling any negative effects from my diet change. I am also noticing that detoxing is really good for my body and really necessary and unfortunately, that has some not so pretty results. Some skin eruptions and interesting manifestations of detoxifying are somewhat apparent but I still feel good about going outside. Not to mention, my body feels great so I don't care!
I'm also doing colon therapy so that I can clean out any old and stagnant energy. It was an interesting first experience last week and I am eager to try it again. Even though I am regular, it's amazing what can come out.
I think the most important thing that has been happening is that I feel a lot more connected to the Divine. When I notice places in my life where I am stuck, it's easy to check in with God, ask for clarity (or have the lesson be revealed) and then follow the path. I still have feelings: anger, sadness, frustration, etc., but I find that I can move through them a lot better. They don't hang around to oppress me. Because of that, I also feel more drawn to specific callings and that's helpful too.
I am slow to work on my 4th step inventory. I feel oppressed by all the things I need to remember. But I suppose I don't have to do it all in one go. I can go one step at a time. I just feel like I have a LOT to write down.
The cravings have come back recently, with the detox, I've noticed. I see wheat, sugar, chocolate, etc and I imagine eating it all. I don't, luckily, but the temptation is there. I have allowed dark chocolate into my life and so far, it has not had an adverse effect (that I notice intuitively). It's so dark (91%) that I rarely want the huge piece that breaks off.
When I am eating my cooked dinner, if I have wheat, I am more inclined to eat more in general. At synagogue I am having a hard time saying no to Challah because it is so delicious and there is no alternative. I either have to start making my own, or bringing raw crackers to eat instead. Potlucks with other non-raw people and large groups are hard for me. Eating differently than Josh is also hard and I really want to have more folks to share with/call when raw eating is tough.
I am intrigued by the possibility of creating/experimenting with raw food, jewish style. Lots of Jewish foods are totally not possible for me to eat with a wheat sensitivity or because of a raw diet, so I want to see if I can create some staples. Sprouted challah would be really cool.
I just looked for a site for raw Passover and it seems there are many others who do the same thing! I found other recipes for other times, but again, they are simply vegan and not raw...but I have faith!
So on this raw food path and living foods lifestyle I am finding the recovery has taken on a much deeper meaning and has made a profound impact on my life. It's challenging at times, but I find that each interview with a raw foodist or each website that shows me more of what I am looking for in lifem brings me closer to myself. It's a strange process for sure, but I am enjoying. I feel abundant in it.
March 21st is the first day of Spring this year. Time for renewal!
Eating more uncooked fruits and veggies has been really good for me. For one, I am losing a lot of weight. It doesn't feel too fast, because I am not going hungry, losing energy, or feeling any negative effects from my diet change. I am also noticing that detoxing is really good for my body and really necessary and unfortunately, that has some not so pretty results. Some skin eruptions and interesting manifestations of detoxifying are somewhat apparent but I still feel good about going outside. Not to mention, my body feels great so I don't care!
I'm also doing colon therapy so that I can clean out any old and stagnant energy. It was an interesting first experience last week and I am eager to try it again. Even though I am regular, it's amazing what can come out.
I think the most important thing that has been happening is that I feel a lot more connected to the Divine. When I notice places in my life where I am stuck, it's easy to check in with God, ask for clarity (or have the lesson be revealed) and then follow the path. I still have feelings: anger, sadness, frustration, etc., but I find that I can move through them a lot better. They don't hang around to oppress me. Because of that, I also feel more drawn to specific callings and that's helpful too.
I am slow to work on my 4th step inventory. I feel oppressed by all the things I need to remember. But I suppose I don't have to do it all in one go. I can go one step at a time. I just feel like I have a LOT to write down.
The cravings have come back recently, with the detox, I've noticed. I see wheat, sugar, chocolate, etc and I imagine eating it all. I don't, luckily, but the temptation is there. I have allowed dark chocolate into my life and so far, it has not had an adverse effect (that I notice intuitively). It's so dark (91%) that I rarely want the huge piece that breaks off.
When I am eating my cooked dinner, if I have wheat, I am more inclined to eat more in general. At synagogue I am having a hard time saying no to Challah because it is so delicious and there is no alternative. I either have to start making my own, or bringing raw crackers to eat instead. Potlucks with other non-raw people and large groups are hard for me. Eating differently than Josh is also hard and I really want to have more folks to share with/call when raw eating is tough.
I am intrigued by the possibility of creating/experimenting with raw food, jewish style. Lots of Jewish foods are totally not possible for me to eat with a wheat sensitivity or because of a raw diet, so I want to see if I can create some staples. Sprouted challah would be really cool.
I just looked for a site for raw Passover and it seems there are many others who do the same thing! I found other recipes for other times, but again, they are simply vegan and not raw...but I have faith!
So on this raw food path and living foods lifestyle I am finding the recovery has taken on a much deeper meaning and has made a profound impact on my life. It's challenging at times, but I find that each interview with a raw foodist or each website that shows me more of what I am looking for in lifem brings me closer to myself. It's a strange process for sure, but I am enjoying. I feel abundant in it.
March 21st is the first day of Spring this year. Time for renewal!
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Raw Food
I have been eating raw food until dinner for the past couple of weeks and it's made a huge difference in my life. I feel a lot more conscious of my eating and I don't feel deprived. I did not share this with my sponsor. Mostly because I don't have a good relationship with her yet. More phone tag than anything. I emailed her a few days ago and said that it wasn't working out and that I'd look for a new sponsor.
I think I will just continue on in the OA workbook and share with my therapist. That seems simpler. I am not in danger of relapsing at all, in fact I feel really good in my body for once. I am not going to meetings that much, but I am still reading literature and staying aware of the possibility of sliding and slipping. But frankly, I feel a lot more stable than I did and I am getting support with the raw food diet and that's what I like and respond well to.
I have lost 15 lbs as of today. I haven't even been trying, but clothes are fitting much better/looser and I simply feel really good.
I am rebounding several times a week and walking when I can. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up a reason to walk, when really, I just enjoy walking. I am using it as transportation now so it's good for me because it doesn't feel like exercise.
I am going for a colon therapy appt. next week and I am very excited. I am interested in getting rid of the pain in my intestines (very minimal) as well as just giving my body a good, hardy clean. I am detoxing, I can feel it, but it's good for me and it's much better than walking around with the crap.
Although, bananas and blackberries in the smoothy seems to be making me feel a bit sluggish. I need to juice more carrots, beets, celery, etc.
Talking to other Raw folks is awesome and inspiring. I feel good about eating like this and it's actually not that hard to maintain. It's simple enough to eat anywhere and I usually fill up easily. I don't need to eat as much as I used to, so it also seems to be a bit cheaper.
Anyway, I am staying with my step work and that's imp. for my ongoing recovery. It's good for me to write it down as I process. Just to have it be more grounded than in my head.
I think I will just continue on in the OA workbook and share with my therapist. That seems simpler. I am not in danger of relapsing at all, in fact I feel really good in my body for once. I am not going to meetings that much, but I am still reading literature and staying aware of the possibility of sliding and slipping. But frankly, I feel a lot more stable than I did and I am getting support with the raw food diet and that's what I like and respond well to.
I have lost 15 lbs as of today. I haven't even been trying, but clothes are fitting much better/looser and I simply feel really good.
I am rebounding several times a week and walking when I can. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up a reason to walk, when really, I just enjoy walking. I am using it as transportation now so it's good for me because it doesn't feel like exercise.
I am going for a colon therapy appt. next week and I am very excited. I am interested in getting rid of the pain in my intestines (very minimal) as well as just giving my body a good, hardy clean. I am detoxing, I can feel it, but it's good for me and it's much better than walking around with the crap.
Although, bananas and blackberries in the smoothy seems to be making me feel a bit sluggish. I need to juice more carrots, beets, celery, etc.
Talking to other Raw folks is awesome and inspiring. I feel good about eating like this and it's actually not that hard to maintain. It's simple enough to eat anywhere and I usually fill up easily. I don't need to eat as much as I used to, so it also seems to be a bit cheaper.
Anyway, I am staying with my step work and that's imp. for my ongoing recovery. It's good for me to write it down as I process. Just to have it be more grounded than in my head.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Cravings and Compulsive Eating
I have to say this here. I don't feel the need to overeat as much as when I'm in OA meetings. Isn't that weird? I hear other people relapsing and I see them in meeting and then I think "Shit, I can eat sugar too then!" It's weird.
I'm also curious if it's just white sugar and chocolate with refined sugar that I shouldn't have. Will evap. cane juice be okay? Honey? Agave? Cocoa? I spose I need to dowse when I get home so that once I am done with detoxing, I will know what can be in my plan. And white sugar would be nice to be out of my body anyway...that way I can prepare my own desserts. We'll see.
I'm also wondering how much food is enough for me...I spose I need guidance on this part. I have to access that part of my HP that can help ignite the *enough* light when I am serving myself some food. Sometimes I feel like I am eating too little and then of course I want to eat a ton later.
I'm also curious if it's just white sugar and chocolate with refined sugar that I shouldn't have. Will evap. cane juice be okay? Honey? Agave? Cocoa? I spose I need to dowse when I get home so that once I am done with detoxing, I will know what can be in my plan. And white sugar would be nice to be out of my body anyway...that way I can prepare my own desserts. We'll see.
I'm also wondering how much food is enough for me...I spose I need guidance on this part. I have to access that part of my HP that can help ignite the *enough* light when I am serving myself some food. Sometimes I feel like I am eating too little and then of course I want to eat a ton later.
Monday, February 5, 2007
3rd Step Prayer (edited)
God, I offer myself to You--to build with me and to do with me as You will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of Life. May I do Your will always!
Friday, February 2, 2007
The Solution
I'm beginning to understand what it is about meetings I DON'T like. The sharing of despair, grief, and sadness. In listening to the AA podcasts (really interesting!) I am learning that the X-Anonymous (fill in your fav. addiction) program is a program of RECOVERY. More important than sharing your daily woes, is sharing your daily solutions for how you're not indulging in your addictive behavior. That is why I want to go to meetings. I want to hear what's fucking WORKING for people.
At this point, I am beginning the more intense detox (!) and I'll stay on that for at least two weeks. I know that I need some changes in my bio-chemistry, that things in my body are not running at an optimum rate, and I need to care for my insides. It's great that I am abstaining from sugar and chocolate, and that is not my problem. I want to feel good and in that feeling good (or while I am getting close to feeling good) I want a spiritual experience.
The detox is sort of a food plan in that I have designated things I must do or eat at specific times. I like the structure. Arising, Breakfast, Mid-morning Snack, Lunch, Mid-Afternoon Snack, Dinner, Going to Bed. This keeps things simple for me. Granted, there are many steps which may get complicated, but at first, it'll be good just to have the physical clarity.
It may also involve eating more chicken than I had planned to. 8 oz. a day is a LOT of meat. Perhaps I can do the flax thing or something. But as long as I know that it's helping my liver, I'm all for it. I know that I haven't been the most attentive to my body. I'll pay attention to what I want to pay attention to (usually, it's negative) and then of course I won't feel that much better. But Detoxing is important to me. The Fat Flush Plan seems to be sound. I bought the book and several items that we didn't already have in our diet/house. Cranberry juice (the no-sugar kind) for reducing water retention, lemon juice, flaxseed oil, flaxseeds, Omega-3 eggs, etc. I read in the book about how tissue can be water-logged, and that's exactly how I feel. My skin can be a bit too sensitive and I'm eager to see if detoxing my liver can change things. I'm not interested in weighing myself, because the weight hasn't been as important as the bloated, heavy feeling. That seems to be starting to change as I drink a LOT more water. I pee a lot, which I hate, but I hate even more being dehydrated!
I know I am on the dangerous edge of another "diet." I'm fully clear that while I decide what a good plan is for me, I still need to keep in contact with my Higher Power. I also look forward to working the twelve steps. I've wanted to do something like that for many years, but now I feel I can do it better with some support.
At this point, I am beginning the more intense detox (!) and I'll stay on that for at least two weeks. I know that I need some changes in my bio-chemistry, that things in my body are not running at an optimum rate, and I need to care for my insides. It's great that I am abstaining from sugar and chocolate, and that is not my problem. I want to feel good and in that feeling good (or while I am getting close to feeling good) I want a spiritual experience.
The detox is sort of a food plan in that I have designated things I must do or eat at specific times. I like the structure. Arising, Breakfast, Mid-morning Snack, Lunch, Mid-Afternoon Snack, Dinner, Going to Bed. This keeps things simple for me. Granted, there are many steps which may get complicated, but at first, it'll be good just to have the physical clarity.
It may also involve eating more chicken than I had planned to. 8 oz. a day is a LOT of meat. Perhaps I can do the flax thing or something. But as long as I know that it's helping my liver, I'm all for it. I know that I haven't been the most attentive to my body. I'll pay attention to what I want to pay attention to (usually, it's negative) and then of course I won't feel that much better. But Detoxing is important to me. The Fat Flush Plan seems to be sound. I bought the book and several items that we didn't already have in our diet/house. Cranberry juice (the no-sugar kind) for reducing water retention, lemon juice, flaxseed oil, flaxseeds, Omega-3 eggs, etc. I read in the book about how tissue can be water-logged, and that's exactly how I feel. My skin can be a bit too sensitive and I'm eager to see if detoxing my liver can change things. I'm not interested in weighing myself, because the weight hasn't been as important as the bloated, heavy feeling. That seems to be starting to change as I drink a LOT more water. I pee a lot, which I hate, but I hate even more being dehydrated!
I know I am on the dangerous edge of another "diet." I'm fully clear that while I decide what a good plan is for me, I still need to keep in contact with my Higher Power. I also look forward to working the twelve steps. I've wanted to do something like that for many years, but now I feel I can do it better with some support.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Another meeting
I went to another meeting yesterday. It's so strange how different the meetings are! This one was another small one...I like the smaller ones because I have time to talk, but also, they seem to be less organized or less able to deal with newcomers.
Last night I shared twice (!) which was nice, actually. The second time I shared I started to feel more grounded, versus reveling in the newcomer status...I've been listening to 12 step podcasts, which are really cool...they are mostly AA workshop/conference, but for the most part, I can hear things that are good for me and OA as well. A few guys, who sounded like 'salty dogs,' were weeping, talking about meditation and God, and simply telling it like it is. Refreshing.
So I shared about what's happening to me in this program, how everyone throw the term HP around like it's no big deal. It IS a BIG DEAL. We're talking about GOD! I went on to say that it's important for me to connect to God as I understand God. I don't have to use cute nicknames, or pretend to talk to God, when I'm just exercising my will. I have to find out, through this program or anything else, how I can connect to the awesome power that I don't understand, can't see, but definitely feel.
I know I overeat because I am missing something in my life. That "thing" is connection to Spirit. Sometimes I feel connected to Spirit when I see kids. I know that having kids is a good way to connect. But I don't want to have kids JUST to connect to God...because they will grow up and become their own persons and then I will still not connect to God regularly. So before that happens and I use my kids for a God cord, I need to find ways to connect to God just for me. I don't really do it at synagogue, or in meeting. The work I do with God is just for me, inside me, around me. Reiki is a good way. Sitting in silence with candles in the morning is a good way. Writing is a great way for me to connect. I do need a routine.
OA provides a structure, which I like and need, honestly. When I don't do OA stuff, I will have to fall back on my own structure. Connecting with Spirit is hard. It's something that lots of people don't broadcast to everyone. I need to protect myself when I start to go along with everyone else and forget my connection to God. It's not about how spiritual I am or how much better I am because of the connection. Hell, I'm not better and everyone can be spiritual. I'm not special by myself. Everyone is special. But I need to honor the longing I feel for the Spirit in my life. Josh and I do an okay job, but we could do better. I need a power greater than myself just so I don't think I am. I don't need to know it all right now (or ever!) and I don't need to be factually convinced of there being a God. God doesn't have to be associated with my religion or *feel* like God for everyone else. Just me. I don't even have to use the name God. Spirit, Highest Energy, whatever!
I just want to plug into that energy more. I need to, to feel solid in my life. Sure, I can get by with no connection, but I swear that's when I become controlling, afraid, inclined to eat, sleep, spend, hide, judge, talk, travel, etc. So why not slow down, take a few deep breaths, and connect?
It makes me feel better. I was close to trying to fit into OA so that I feel like I belong, when the whole purpose is not to fit into another place, or use outside stuff to fill my emptiness. The purpose is to bring us back to the connection to a higher power in our lives. A power that doesn't abandon us, a power that holds us when we are struggling and guides us when we are lost. No big deal. :)
Last night I shared twice (!) which was nice, actually. The second time I shared I started to feel more grounded, versus reveling in the newcomer status...I've been listening to 12 step podcasts, which are really cool...they are mostly AA workshop/conference, but for the most part, I can hear things that are good for me and OA as well. A few guys, who sounded like 'salty dogs,' were weeping, talking about meditation and God, and simply telling it like it is. Refreshing.
So I shared about what's happening to me in this program, how everyone throw the term HP around like it's no big deal. It IS a BIG DEAL. We're talking about GOD! I went on to say that it's important for me to connect to God as I understand God. I don't have to use cute nicknames, or pretend to talk to God, when I'm just exercising my will. I have to find out, through this program or anything else, how I can connect to the awesome power that I don't understand, can't see, but definitely feel.
I know I overeat because I am missing something in my life. That "thing" is connection to Spirit. Sometimes I feel connected to Spirit when I see kids. I know that having kids is a good way to connect. But I don't want to have kids JUST to connect to God...because they will grow up and become their own persons and then I will still not connect to God regularly. So before that happens and I use my kids for a God cord, I need to find ways to connect to God just for me. I don't really do it at synagogue, or in meeting. The work I do with God is just for me, inside me, around me. Reiki is a good way. Sitting in silence with candles in the morning is a good way. Writing is a great way for me to connect. I do need a routine.
OA provides a structure, which I like and need, honestly. When I don't do OA stuff, I will have to fall back on my own structure. Connecting with Spirit is hard. It's something that lots of people don't broadcast to everyone. I need to protect myself when I start to go along with everyone else and forget my connection to God. It's not about how spiritual I am or how much better I am because of the connection. Hell, I'm not better and everyone can be spiritual. I'm not special by myself. Everyone is special. But I need to honor the longing I feel for the Spirit in my life. Josh and I do an okay job, but we could do better. I need a power greater than myself just so I don't think I am. I don't need to know it all right now (or ever!) and I don't need to be factually convinced of there being a God. God doesn't have to be associated with my religion or *feel* like God for everyone else. Just me. I don't even have to use the name God. Spirit, Highest Energy, whatever!
I just want to plug into that energy more. I need to, to feel solid in my life. Sure, I can get by with no connection, but I swear that's when I become controlling, afraid, inclined to eat, sleep, spend, hide, judge, talk, travel, etc. So why not slow down, take a few deep breaths, and connect?
It makes me feel better. I was close to trying to fit into OA so that I feel like I belong, when the whole purpose is not to fit into another place, or use outside stuff to fill my emptiness. The purpose is to bring us back to the connection to a higher power in our lives. A power that doesn't abandon us, a power that holds us when we are struggling and guides us when we are lost. No big deal. :)
Serenity Now!
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
God as I Understand God
This program is very spiritual. Sometimes I forget that.
Where is my connection to God?
How can I make my connection to a higher power a daily thing? I use addiction to ignore God, to plug my ears, to pretend I don't have a higher purpose. In fact, I can see and feel how I am doing it right now. I work hard to simply maintain, versus opening up to the fact that God, the Highest Power, wants my greatest good. I am working at a PT job, writing on the side, and kind of staying out of sight.
What does God want with me? What more could I do? This is an amazing question. For now I am simply trying not to eat compulsively. But I will let God speak to me. I will let God show me my work. I will not try to figure it out, like I have been (quite unsuccessfully, of course). I am letting God speak to me. It's not always in my mind. Maggie was channeling God. Josh channels God. I need to spend more time talking to God. I need to give more up to God.
Josh and I talked about our housing and our future life and when I have long enough to reflect I know that God wants the best for us. I may not be able to get there in a straight line, but it is counter-productive to think that God doesn't care, see, or want what's best for us. God knows failure and depression...those things are not new to God. If I were a parent I would not want to constantly see my kid suffering...I would want him/her to grab hold of all that is available to him/her and move into life like THAT. And here I am, thinking that my invisibility is serving myself, as well as others! Here I am thinking that it's simply better to be out of people's way, to become unnoticable...what a crock of shit.
I did that when I was young. I hid from my family (most of them) so that they could have a better life, could get more care, could take care of more important things. I thought that taking care of others was paramount. And so now I have to struggle with that. Now I have to relearn (or learn for the first time?) that I need to take care of myself. That I need to ask for help in taking care of myself.
This is hard for me. Even now, I wonder about Josh, how he's taking care of himself, how I can take care of him, etc. It's a balancing act. I know that Josh will have to take his own path and that even if I have a good path for myself, it is not his path. UGH.
Right now I am preparing for a detox and it's good for me to do this when Josh is not here. But now I also see that I can do it when Josh IS here. I do not need him to be on the detox with me. I need to find support to stay on the detox for myself. There's no point in making Josh do it too. And also, I need to learn to listen to him and not judge...when he is expressing anger, I simply need to take care of myself. It's hard because anger affects me so deeply. I can't go and eat when I am afraid of him. I can show up, state my needs, and then seek some HP assistance. HARD HARD HARD.
I will learn though, because I must.
Where is my connection to God?
How can I make my connection to a higher power a daily thing? I use addiction to ignore God, to plug my ears, to pretend I don't have a higher purpose. In fact, I can see and feel how I am doing it right now. I work hard to simply maintain, versus opening up to the fact that God, the Highest Power, wants my greatest good. I am working at a PT job, writing on the side, and kind of staying out of sight.
What does God want with me? What more could I do? This is an amazing question. For now I am simply trying not to eat compulsively. But I will let God speak to me. I will let God show me my work. I will not try to figure it out, like I have been (quite unsuccessfully, of course). I am letting God speak to me. It's not always in my mind. Maggie was channeling God. Josh channels God. I need to spend more time talking to God. I need to give more up to God.
Josh and I talked about our housing and our future life and when I have long enough to reflect I know that God wants the best for us. I may not be able to get there in a straight line, but it is counter-productive to think that God doesn't care, see, or want what's best for us. God knows failure and depression...those things are not new to God. If I were a parent I would not want to constantly see my kid suffering...I would want him/her to grab hold of all that is available to him/her and move into life like THAT. And here I am, thinking that my invisibility is serving myself, as well as others! Here I am thinking that it's simply better to be out of people's way, to become unnoticable...what a crock of shit.
I did that when I was young. I hid from my family (most of them) so that they could have a better life, could get more care, could take care of more important things. I thought that taking care of others was paramount. And so now I have to struggle with that. Now I have to relearn (or learn for the first time?) that I need to take care of myself. That I need to ask for help in taking care of myself.
This is hard for me. Even now, I wonder about Josh, how he's taking care of himself, how I can take care of him, etc. It's a balancing act. I know that Josh will have to take his own path and that even if I have a good path for myself, it is not his path. UGH.
Right now I am preparing for a detox and it's good for me to do this when Josh is not here. But now I also see that I can do it when Josh IS here. I do not need him to be on the detox with me. I need to find support to stay on the detox for myself. There's no point in making Josh do it too. And also, I need to learn to listen to him and not judge...when he is expressing anger, I simply need to take care of myself. It's hard because anger affects me so deeply. I can't go and eat when I am afraid of him. I can show up, state my needs, and then seek some HP assistance. HARD HARD HARD.
I will learn though, because I must.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Not So Bad
I called and it wasn't so bad. I reached out to my buddy, shared my fear, went to dance class and came home and called (before I got completely crazy about it).
Nothing too scary. I will not call the other sponsors until I hear back so that I don't move too quickly to avoid rejection. It wouldn't be the end of the world. It's OKAY. I will be guided to the right sponsor. Spirituality isn't just present when I want it to be. It's always there and I can choose to welcome it into my life or not.
The 12 steps are really spiritually based and that's very interesting, but very helpful. I am learning to access Universal Guidance a lot more.
All right, time to go to work!
Nothing too scary. I will not call the other sponsors until I hear back so that I don't move too quickly to avoid rejection. It wouldn't be the end of the world. It's OKAY. I will be guided to the right sponsor. Spirituality isn't just present when I want it to be. It's always there and I can choose to welcome it into my life or not.
The 12 steps are really spiritually based and that's very interesting, but very helpful. I am learning to access Universal Guidance a lot more.
All right, time to go to work!
Procrastination
I went to another meeting last night. I'm basically shopping for a sponsor and I get a meeting out of it as well.
Here's the thing, I go, listen to who the sponsors are, take notes, get numbers, listen to shares and then I come home and tell myself all the reasons not to call people. Isolation! Sweet!
I'm on the edges of the program, I pretend I've been there for weeks, and then I go home and silently suffer. That's what gets me in trouble. I don't seek help, I wait until I am so sad or so beside myself that someone has to rescue me! I am an adult and I need to grow up and ask for help. A little girl won't ask for help. My little girl won't ask. But as an adult, I can make phone calls, set up meetings, and start my recovery. It's best not to let/make my little girl call. She gets nervous and uncomfortable and really, it's too scary for her. As an adult, I definitely can make a phone call and see how to do this. My HP will help me muster the courage to call. It's just a call!
With that call though, I am admitting that I want help. I already know I need help. And at meetings, I try to share as much as possible. But I also *want* help. I want to begin, I want to connect, I want to work the steps, share with another, and stop isolating. I think I let my introversion control my access to the world. I really like people, I like connecting, and I like becoming more intimate. It's also very scary to do those things. I fear rejection, dislike, misunderstanding, miscommunication, etc.
So my first step is to start using the phone. I already call my friends when I want to share. Good start. Now I need to connect with someone who is willing to sponsor me. I'm not a bad person, nor a crazy person who is too fragile for rejection, nor am I someone who should always expect rejection! Maybe those sponsors want a sponsee like me! Maybe there is an equal exchange in it. I believe there must be. It's not just me having all the needs.
Anyway, I wrote an OA buddy and told her my plan to call today. It's strange to see my weaknesses so close to me. I usually note them and quickly move on. I spose finding a sponsor isn't just about finding a sponsor for me. It's about the process of finding a sponsor too. As a kid I definitely did not ask for help. I asked my brother sometimes but in a way that didn't seem too needy (in my own young person opinion!). I wanted to deserve the help by being mature and forgiving of others. I wanted to intellectualize the help. I did not want to feel powerless in asking for help. Aha!
I admit my powerlessness. I admit that I cannot do this on my own (nor do I want to, frankly). I admit that despite my fears of intimacy, I know I cannot survive without it. One day at a time. One step at a time. One phone call at a time.
Here's the thing, I go, listen to who the sponsors are, take notes, get numbers, listen to shares and then I come home and tell myself all the reasons not to call people. Isolation! Sweet!
I'm on the edges of the program, I pretend I've been there for weeks, and then I go home and silently suffer. That's what gets me in trouble. I don't seek help, I wait until I am so sad or so beside myself that someone has to rescue me! I am an adult and I need to grow up and ask for help. A little girl won't ask for help. My little girl won't ask. But as an adult, I can make phone calls, set up meetings, and start my recovery. It's best not to let/make my little girl call. She gets nervous and uncomfortable and really, it's too scary for her. As an adult, I definitely can make a phone call and see how to do this. My HP will help me muster the courage to call. It's just a call!
With that call though, I am admitting that I want help. I already know I need help. And at meetings, I try to share as much as possible. But I also *want* help. I want to begin, I want to connect, I want to work the steps, share with another, and stop isolating. I think I let my introversion control my access to the world. I really like people, I like connecting, and I like becoming more intimate. It's also very scary to do those things. I fear rejection, dislike, misunderstanding, miscommunication, etc.
So my first step is to start using the phone. I already call my friends when I want to share. Good start. Now I need to connect with someone who is willing to sponsor me. I'm not a bad person, nor a crazy person who is too fragile for rejection, nor am I someone who should always expect rejection! Maybe those sponsors want a sponsee like me! Maybe there is an equal exchange in it. I believe there must be. It's not just me having all the needs.
Anyway, I wrote an OA buddy and told her my plan to call today. It's strange to see my weaknesses so close to me. I usually note them and quickly move on. I spose finding a sponsor isn't just about finding a sponsor for me. It's about the process of finding a sponsor too. As a kid I definitely did not ask for help. I asked my brother sometimes but in a way that didn't seem too needy (in my own young person opinion!). I wanted to deserve the help by being mature and forgiving of others. I wanted to intellectualize the help. I did not want to feel powerless in asking for help. Aha!
I admit my powerlessness. I admit that I cannot do this on my own (nor do I want to, frankly). I admit that despite my fears of intimacy, I know I cannot survive without it. One day at a time. One step at a time. One phone call at a time.
Monday, January 29, 2007
28 days
Why do I count the days I've been abstinent? When I'm about to reach for the food, I think, "Hmm, do I want to start all over again?" The counting helps me keep a big picture. While of course most folks are into the one day at a time mentality, I simply don't want to go back and eat sugar or chocolate until I feel the cravings go away. Hopefully by that point, I won't actually WANT those things. So far, the urge to reach for food 'just because' has drastically declined. I like that.
I'm reading about detoxing and what in food makes us lose or gain weight. This is not something that OA advocates necessarily, because it kind of looks like another diet, but I do feel that when I am armed with information, I can make better choices. I've been able to not drink for a while now and it's because I know what alcohol does to my body. Similarly, now that I know that a compromised liver is the worst thing you can have for weight loss, I am eager to support my liver any way I can.
The physical work of OA and weight loss and self-care is VERY hard for me. It's hard to be in social situations and say no to things I've normally devoured in minutes. It's hard to not eat stuff because of health because I fear being seen as someone who judges others for what they eat. Frankly, it's the information I want to pass on, not the judgment. Lots of people don't know the delicate biochemistry that our bodies engage in and I found it helpful to learn about what foods are keeping me down. I don't think I am better than anyone or that I have all the answers, but I feel silly not sharing them with others. I spose everyone needs to feel free to come to their life on their own, and I am learning humility around that, but it's an old habit to want to help immediately after I learn something. Perhaps the best way to offer information is when people ask. That's a toughy.
I am beginning to see why not getting a sponsor right away is good for me. I like instant results and not getting them can easily be a way to justify eating. Imagine that. Josh is gone for 10 days so I will take that time to relax and enjoy the process of finding a sponsor. It means I have to go to a lot more meetings. That's okay. That'll get me to a lot more meetings in any case. And also, I hope to find a meeting that I really like. So far, I like Saturday am in the UD. It kind of skews my Saturday mornings, but I spose, I need a bit of skewing.
I am finding that being in OA is not something to be ashamed of. Lots of people have told me that they would never have thought of me as an overeater. Me neither! But alas, I do overeat, compulsively eat, eat when I'm bored, eat to deal with life, etc. I do not eat simply to nourish myself. Seeing others that have either lost weight or didn't have much to lose is good for me. It takes teh stigma out of it a lot. I know that overeating isn't only something that shows up in weight. I'm just a person who overeats. No big deal. Not uncommon. Nothing to hide from people.
I am reading a lot of online shares from people. While this doesn't always speak to me and I know I hide behind emailing and writing sometimes, I do enjoy witnessing the process of others. I just shared for the third time for something that wasn't simply an introduction. It's good for me to share. I notice that I tend not to because I don't believe I have anything helpful to say or because I think it's 'silly.' But I also notice that I don't like when people don't share. So there that is. Sharing time for me! I think I am just defensive about sharing and the step that talks about sharing with another will be powerful. I will get to stop silently and secretly beating myself up. Sharing with another allows me to see my actions for what they are. And that's cool with me.
I feel like the steps are revealing themselves out of order and when I finally do them in order, with a bit more structure, I will be happy!
I'm reading about detoxing and what in food makes us lose or gain weight. This is not something that OA advocates necessarily, because it kind of looks like another diet, but I do feel that when I am armed with information, I can make better choices. I've been able to not drink for a while now and it's because I know what alcohol does to my body. Similarly, now that I know that a compromised liver is the worst thing you can have for weight loss, I am eager to support my liver any way I can.
The physical work of OA and weight loss and self-care is VERY hard for me. It's hard to be in social situations and say no to things I've normally devoured in minutes. It's hard to not eat stuff because of health because I fear being seen as someone who judges others for what they eat. Frankly, it's the information I want to pass on, not the judgment. Lots of people don't know the delicate biochemistry that our bodies engage in and I found it helpful to learn about what foods are keeping me down. I don't think I am better than anyone or that I have all the answers, but I feel silly not sharing them with others. I spose everyone needs to feel free to come to their life on their own, and I am learning humility around that, but it's an old habit to want to help immediately after I learn something. Perhaps the best way to offer information is when people ask. That's a toughy.
I am beginning to see why not getting a sponsor right away is good for me. I like instant results and not getting them can easily be a way to justify eating. Imagine that. Josh is gone for 10 days so I will take that time to relax and enjoy the process of finding a sponsor. It means I have to go to a lot more meetings. That's okay. That'll get me to a lot more meetings in any case. And also, I hope to find a meeting that I really like. So far, I like Saturday am in the UD. It kind of skews my Saturday mornings, but I spose, I need a bit of skewing.
I am finding that being in OA is not something to be ashamed of. Lots of people have told me that they would never have thought of me as an overeater. Me neither! But alas, I do overeat, compulsively eat, eat when I'm bored, eat to deal with life, etc. I do not eat simply to nourish myself. Seeing others that have either lost weight or didn't have much to lose is good for me. It takes teh stigma out of it a lot. I know that overeating isn't only something that shows up in weight. I'm just a person who overeats. No big deal. Not uncommon. Nothing to hide from people.
I am reading a lot of online shares from people. While this doesn't always speak to me and I know I hide behind emailing and writing sometimes, I do enjoy witnessing the process of others. I just shared for the third time for something that wasn't simply an introduction. It's good for me to share. I notice that I tend not to because I don't believe I have anything helpful to say or because I think it's 'silly.' But I also notice that I don't like when people don't share. So there that is. Sharing time for me! I think I am just defensive about sharing and the step that talks about sharing with another will be powerful. I will get to stop silently and secretly beating myself up. Sharing with another allows me to see my actions for what they are. And that's cool with me.
I feel like the steps are revealing themselves out of order and when I finally do them in order, with a bit more structure, I will be happy!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The Past
Dwell not on the past. Use it to-Elieen Caddy
illustrate a point, then leave it
behind. Nothing really matters except
what you do now in this instant of time.
Funny how things come into your life like that. Eileen passed away a month ago and yet, her gifts will continue to give. That's awesome.
I will make amends and forgive others,This is an interesting part of recovery that I am eager to approach. I don't really know how or what, but I do know that I have massive resentments toward Chad and my mom and even some other family members. I know that the resentment is really grinding into my life now, it is keeping me from being the best I can be. There are a lot of things that I resent my mom for (the list seems to keep growing!) and I know that those little things cannot be good left to their own devices. So I look forward to unearthing all the resentments, laying them out, and moving beyond them.
not for them, but for me. I pray to live
in today, to make it the best day I can.
I've written down all the meetings I can go to during the week. That's good for me because I just need to have options. It's nice to go to meetings. They are structured and I don't need to exert a lot of energy. I just need to show up. There are parts of me that don't want another thing to do but I think meetings are good for me because the homework that I will eventually be doing is for myself and my sponsor.
I am still thinking about food. Not now, I'm full, but I do think about lunch and the lack of lunch when I leave the house. I want more carbohydrates, or more filling/heavy foods. I just don't want to feel hungry again in an hour. I wonder though if I'll feel hungry anyway, but I am just constantly hungry or thinking I am.
There are several things I need to do: go to more meetings, get a sponsor, get the literature, and find a therapist.
I'm reading my first online meeting. It's a bit slow, but good to be able to be online at work.
I struggle with the lack of depth in sharing...I think I need a sponsor more and more. I want more time to talk, explore, delve, etc and meetings are just a way for people to share a few things. I think what I don't like is the slogan talk. I know it helps people, but it doesn't help me. I think there are a lot of things that I will have to learn to 'leave.'
Today I have 24 days of abstinence. Wahoo! It doesn't seem like a lot until I count. I am feeling more and more okay with saying no to sugar and chocolate. I really like the way I feel. It's not amazing yet, but it's better and that's what I like. My period was normal, my cramps were minimal (non-existent?), my libido is back, and it seems as though I am moving forward less frantically.
Maggie's insight about how I use sugar to keep up the buzzing pace was important to hear and important to remind myself about. Sugar is not a tool that I need to use to keep going at a frantic, ungrounded pace. Sugar is not a tool at all. It is a way to sweeten things. It is an artificial way to sweeten things. It can definitely dampen my mood with all the spiking. It keeps me from my good.
The meeting is over and I just emailed a temporary sponsor. I hear Josh's voice in my head about hiding on email, but at this point, I simply can't get to enough meetings where there are sponsors. I can't really get to know people in one meeting so I need to go to many different ones, meet several people, and then choose. In the meantime, I want to have some contact and get some answers.
Anyway, the online thing is good for me because it's always there and I can listen far better. I don't feel as nervous either. Although, it's still slow. Maybe I need slow. Maybe that's good for me right now. Well, I'll keep doing both. It's nice to have meetings to go to all day and night. Not that I wake up and eat, but it's nice to know I don't have to.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Lots of Changes
I should write in here more. I still don't have a sponsor and while that's not a big deal two weeks into the program, I am definitely interested in working the steps and I want to talk to someone about things I can do, what I'm going through, what's challenging, etc.
Today there were carbolicious sweets at work and I did not have the sweeter ones, but I did have a scone. It technically has sugar in it, but it did not trigger me into wanting more. I also brought a few snacks of my own but have not eaten them because I'm not hungry!
At first I was mostly concerned with not eating my trigger foods. But now I realize that having a food plan for myself would be really good and so I am interested in exploring that more. The woman who teaches me Nia on Monday nights might be a good resource. Anyway, I am now noticing how often I eat and while I don't eat my trigger foods, I notice that I am not feeling full or satisfied. The next step...
I am happy to be sticking with my abstinance though. It's hard sometimes. I do want to call someone when I see the doughnuts or the candy, but I ask my HP to help out and usually I get back to work or something else that's not food related.
My monthly cycle has lessened in pain and it's more regular (yay!). I find that I have a libido again (hmm, that's an interesting thing, I didn't know it left). I am not so obsessed with food. I still think about it sometimes, but not all the time. It's nice to have some boundaries. I also feel my feelings more, instead of stuffing them down with food. It can scare me to hear my voice raise a little or to feel hurt more frequently, but at least I know I am feeling stuff and it's nice to be able to emote properly.
More things are happening as a result of not eating sugar/chocolate but I can't think of them now. I am feeling less controlling...and sometimes that means my head doesn't hold information. I am letting up and letting go a lot more. :)
Today there were carbolicious sweets at work and I did not have the sweeter ones, but I did have a scone. It technically has sugar in it, but it did not trigger me into wanting more. I also brought a few snacks of my own but have not eaten them because I'm not hungry!
At first I was mostly concerned with not eating my trigger foods. But now I realize that having a food plan for myself would be really good and so I am interested in exploring that more. The woman who teaches me Nia on Monday nights might be a good resource. Anyway, I am now noticing how often I eat and while I don't eat my trigger foods, I notice that I am not feeling full or satisfied. The next step...
I am happy to be sticking with my abstinance though. It's hard sometimes. I do want to call someone when I see the doughnuts or the candy, but I ask my HP to help out and usually I get back to work or something else that's not food related.
My monthly cycle has lessened in pain and it's more regular (yay!). I find that I have a libido again (hmm, that's an interesting thing, I didn't know it left). I am not so obsessed with food. I still think about it sometimes, but not all the time. It's nice to have some boundaries. I also feel my feelings more, instead of stuffing them down with food. It can scare me to hear my voice raise a little or to feel hurt more frequently, but at least I know I am feeling stuff and it's nice to be able to emote properly.
More things are happening as a result of not eating sugar/chocolate but I can't think of them now. I am feeling less controlling...and sometimes that means my head doesn't hold information. I am letting up and letting go a lot more. :)
Monday, January 15, 2007
Everyday Life
I went to a meeting on Saturday in the U Dist. It was a lot better than my first meeting. Lots more people, lots of people that 'looked' like me. I felt better about not being overweight. I even saw a few people I knew.
The sharings were really great. It was nice to hear all the different kinds of people and their experiences. I got a newcomer's packet, which was just what I needed and wanted. It had numbers of people on it and inside was some info that cleared up a bit. I'd like to come back to that meeting as often as possible. There were younger people there too, which is nice to see. I mean, you know.
After the meeting I talked with Pam for a while and it was really nice to get out that nervous energy. I still have a lot. I'm starting to get a bit normal around the sugar and chocolate. There are a few people who are doing it at work and among my friends. That's good for me.
It's hard sometimes to see sweet things and not eat them. I just want an alternative. Refined sugar is crazy!
I had a few things that might have had sugar, but I did not give in to the temptation, which I was proud of. It's hard.
I think the buddy thing online is nice as well as being able to call several people at the Sat. meeting. Josh likes his Tuesday meeting, but I'm not sure I like my Tuesday meeting. Although, to be fair, it's at a good time. Maybe I can go to 2 meetings a week. We'll see. I suppose it might be nice to share a bit more at the smaller meeting. I like the step work. But I also like the newcomer stuff. There's a few other meetings I'd like to try as well, just to see how they are. Got to find a home meeting, you know?
Anyway, I told Selena and Layla yesterday about being in OA. I feel less shame about it because I know that I am in it because all I want to do is stop eating compulsively. There's no reason to justify it, I just want to stop eating unconsciously. Everyone seems to be surprised, which is to be expected, but honestly, I don't feel odd being in the meetings. It lets me be with different people as well as spend time thinking about my life and my actions in it.
Perhaps that is what I want. More conscious time to think about my life. I spose there are many ways to think about my life, but meetings provide a nice structure for it. At least, it will keep me on track, keep me thinking of things.
I have a huge headache right now! And food, advil, and water aren't helping. It is simply stress? I like getting ready leisurely but then I have a lot of time to sit. I'm waiting for laundry to finish. I have to take garbage and compost out.
Anyway, I'll be fine in Europe. But luckily I have a few people I can email in case it's too hard. But frankly, I am not eager to eat the chocolate or sugar. I am eager to stop that habit. I'm eager for help from my HP to help me stop it. :)
I'll check in later.
The sharings were really great. It was nice to hear all the different kinds of people and their experiences. I got a newcomer's packet, which was just what I needed and wanted. It had numbers of people on it and inside was some info that cleared up a bit. I'd like to come back to that meeting as often as possible. There were younger people there too, which is nice to see. I mean, you know.
After the meeting I talked with Pam for a while and it was really nice to get out that nervous energy. I still have a lot. I'm starting to get a bit normal around the sugar and chocolate. There are a few people who are doing it at work and among my friends. That's good for me.
It's hard sometimes to see sweet things and not eat them. I just want an alternative. Refined sugar is crazy!
I had a few things that might have had sugar, but I did not give in to the temptation, which I was proud of. It's hard.
I think the buddy thing online is nice as well as being able to call several people at the Sat. meeting. Josh likes his Tuesday meeting, but I'm not sure I like my Tuesday meeting. Although, to be fair, it's at a good time. Maybe I can go to 2 meetings a week. We'll see. I suppose it might be nice to share a bit more at the smaller meeting. I like the step work. But I also like the newcomer stuff. There's a few other meetings I'd like to try as well, just to see how they are. Got to find a home meeting, you know?
Anyway, I told Selena and Layla yesterday about being in OA. I feel less shame about it because I know that I am in it because all I want to do is stop eating compulsively. There's no reason to justify it, I just want to stop eating unconsciously. Everyone seems to be surprised, which is to be expected, but honestly, I don't feel odd being in the meetings. It lets me be with different people as well as spend time thinking about my life and my actions in it.
Perhaps that is what I want. More conscious time to think about my life. I spose there are many ways to think about my life, but meetings provide a nice structure for it. At least, it will keep me on track, keep me thinking of things.
I have a huge headache right now! And food, advil, and water aren't helping. It is simply stress? I like getting ready leisurely but then I have a lot of time to sit. I'm waiting for laundry to finish. I have to take garbage and compost out.
Anyway, I'll be fine in Europe. But luckily I have a few people I can email in case it's too hard. But frankly, I am not eager to eat the chocolate or sugar. I am eager to stop that habit. I'm eager for help from my HP to help me stop it. :)
I'll check in later.
Friday, January 12, 2007
What's Going On
So after some obsession with internet loops, reading OA lit, and thinking about how food plays a large part in my life, I am finally coming down a bit. OA could possibly take over my life and honestly, I don't need another addiction.
Here's what's going on inside.
I am spending my requisite 4 hours a day during my work week going to work (victory!). This is a godsend. Although I am happy when it snows or when I don't have much work, I really enjoy being here. For one, I am not in my house. Two, I get to talk to other people about life (not my life, but our lives). Three, I feel really good about myself when I accomplish something on time, when I use my resources, when I fix a mistake that no one else saw, and when I have everything done by the time I go home. Working makes me feel like a "normal" person when most of my life I haven't felt like that. I work for a law firm that I adore. There's a lot of time to do other stuff, but when I do work, that's okay too. I feel competent, willing, and needed. Sometimes I want more to do, but honestly, I am happy to receive a paycheck (and a few cents raise, a bonus, a bus pass, health insurance, and an awesome work environment) for what I do.
When I leave work, I am eager to go home, settle down, say hello to Josh, and either make dinner, clean up, or putter around the house. Sometimes I read, email or websurf. This is a pleasant time. I feel warm and held, especially when I can see Josh. If I am hanging out with a friend or family member, I am happy to have that time to share and talk about our lives, struggles, victories, etc.
So a lot of my day (from 1pm-11pm) I am not obsessed with food. At work I have simply decided to start telepathically talking to food that calls to me (less stares that way!) and we have short dialogues where I tell the food that I am not interested in it and actually, I am more interested in life without it. I have spent many moments finding out how "good" my life is after a piece of chocolate and honestly, it's no better. A bit heavier at best.
When I am at home, alone, it's harder. I have moved the chocolate and sweets into one place, in the closet, so that if Josh wants some, he can have it, but then I don't see it every time I go into the kitchen. This is really hard for me. I spend a lot of time talking to myself, saying "One Day at a Time", "Do I need that?", "What am I avoiding?", etc. It's a lot of self-talk. Luckily, it's good self-talk (versus the bad self talk that I do when I prepare to eat--I can justify the eating because I have bad-talked myself and want to feel better) and then I can honestly see how many times a day I am obsessing, thinking, planning, dealing with food.
Here are some questions an OAer posted before she takes a bite:
Can my stomach hold this much food?
Is this binge the will of God?
How may I serve God by not bingeing?
Will bingeing make the situation better?
Will I feel better after the binge?
Will I feel guilt, shame, or remorse if I binge?
What else can I do besides binge?
These are good questions to ask. What else can I do besides eat? I don't feel I binge that often since I don't even like the word, but I do know that I eat when I am bored and there are probably a lot of other things I can do to keep that from happening. Reading, writing and sitting are three good ones.
Here's what's going on inside.
I am spending my requisite 4 hours a day during my work week going to work (victory!). This is a godsend. Although I am happy when it snows or when I don't have much work, I really enjoy being here. For one, I am not in my house. Two, I get to talk to other people about life (not my life, but our lives). Three, I feel really good about myself when I accomplish something on time, when I use my resources, when I fix a mistake that no one else saw, and when I have everything done by the time I go home. Working makes me feel like a "normal" person when most of my life I haven't felt like that. I work for a law firm that I adore. There's a lot of time to do other stuff, but when I do work, that's okay too. I feel competent, willing, and needed. Sometimes I want more to do, but honestly, I am happy to receive a paycheck (and a few cents raise, a bonus, a bus pass, health insurance, and an awesome work environment) for what I do.
When I leave work, I am eager to go home, settle down, say hello to Josh, and either make dinner, clean up, or putter around the house. Sometimes I read, email or websurf. This is a pleasant time. I feel warm and held, especially when I can see Josh. If I am hanging out with a friend or family member, I am happy to have that time to share and talk about our lives, struggles, victories, etc.
So a lot of my day (from 1pm-11pm) I am not obsessed with food. At work I have simply decided to start telepathically talking to food that calls to me (less stares that way!) and we have short dialogues where I tell the food that I am not interested in it and actually, I am more interested in life without it. I have spent many moments finding out how "good" my life is after a piece of chocolate and honestly, it's no better. A bit heavier at best.
When I am at home, alone, it's harder. I have moved the chocolate and sweets into one place, in the closet, so that if Josh wants some, he can have it, but then I don't see it every time I go into the kitchen. This is really hard for me. I spend a lot of time talking to myself, saying "One Day at a Time", "Do I need that?", "What am I avoiding?", etc. It's a lot of self-talk. Luckily, it's good self-talk (versus the bad self talk that I do when I prepare to eat--I can justify the eating because I have bad-talked myself and want to feel better) and then I can honestly see how many times a day I am obsessing, thinking, planning, dealing with food.
Here are some questions an OAer posted before she takes a bite:
Can my stomach hold this much food?
Is this binge the will of God?
How may I serve God by not bingeing?
Will bingeing make the situation better?
Will I feel better after the binge?
Will I feel guilt, shame, or remorse if I binge?
What else can I do besides binge?
These are good questions to ask. What else can I do besides eat? I don't feel I binge that often since I don't even like the word, but I do know that I eat when I am bored and there are probably a lot of other things I can do to keep that from happening. Reading, writing and sitting are three good ones.
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